O.K I admit it. Something Lurkie said to me in a comment struck home. I talk a good talk about being happy with my life and how being alone is not the same as being lonely. How I really want another person in my life but that I must have some sort of criteria that person must meet both emotionally and physically.
It is true, I am alone and would jump at the chance of a relationship again. But I have a pretty high bar that person would have to meet. First they would have to be at least equal to or better than My Robert and that person probably does not exist. Then, while I have always found men older than me to be more attractive than not I have moved into that area where I am a little bit judgemental of my elders and will someday find that older man I would love to have is actually a gravestone somewhere. Especially around here at the home. I would love a man who had it together, was as liberal as I am, was not all bent in half by age and probably a month away from a wheelchair. And, most importantly, did not have one foot in the grave. We have 2 or 3 deaths here each month and I am not ready to deal with the emotions that come with the loss of a loved one like I did with My Robert.
So what have I resorted to. I am now that pathetic old man that plays with handsome men in their 20's and 30's on gay sex video chat sites. I tweak them enough with a couple of bucks to make their little pink tails vibrate now and then and I compliment them just enough to keep them thinking that I am their Daddy Warbucks and I will some how rescue them from the life that they have been driven in to in order to survive.
Do I enjoy it, mostly no but I have to admit that having a really handsome, sexy and yes, hung young man even feign interest in me is a welcome event. I have the quasi emotional relationship with them without the risk of ever meeting them and having to somehow support them.
It feels good in so many ways and yet it feels equally bad in as many ways. There is no way I can ever satisfy their expectations of me and I am the one that gets all the emotional perks. Do I feel guilty, actually yes I do and that is just the way I have to feel at this time in my life.
There were a couple of men in my age range (60 - 75) on the Mature Gay Dating internet site the expressed interest in me and I messeged them back, being honest that I did not any longer drive and that given that they were all in the near 100 mile distance from me I would understand if that lessened their interest. Well it must have because I never heard from them again. So, there is that. I suppose I, in some way, am being treated much like I am treating my "little princes".
Sure, one of them may actually venture here but would it be for a quick slam bam thank you mam thing. In no way is that what I am interested in. A slam bam and hold me close for a while, maybe share a cup of coffee and some conversation. That is what I want.
Like when the old male resident, all bent over his walker, came unannounced to me door and offered himself to me and I politely declined. Please don't judge my actions there. I have to think about my life here and how there would be no place to go if this place did not exist. I do not want to be the man in the first floor apartment that will service you just because you are horny. Anymore that I want just a quickie.
So now I am gettin sick of telling all and apologize for wasting your time with this drivel. I promise that I will revert to the old entertaining me in my coming postings.
Oh, I was giving a slow clap when you said you did not take that gentleman's 'offer' to let you satisfy him when his wife was in Dallas. Good for you! I would have done the same.
ReplyDeleteBeen there. Done them. It's not a good feeling becoming the go-to-hole. Nope.
As for the younger men and their pink toys? It's a game. Donna Summer sand about them having what we want and us having what they need. It's part of that game. No shame on looking at beautiful men who get paid to play with themselves for our pleasure.
As for maybe establishing a relationship with a man your age (or maybe younger? I know, SCANDALOUS!) that should not be ruled out. You are indeed limited by the distance to the next gay hot spot, but that does not mean you should resign yourself to doing... nothing.
And you should write what you feel like writing. That's what Blogger is for.
XOXO
thank you, you always seem to have just the words i need to hear both here and on your blog. you are a great virtual friend.
DeleteWhy do we always feel the need to apologize for who we are? Maybe it harkens back to needing to hide ourselves from the rest of the world as youngsters.
ReplyDeleteYou have no reason to apologize. You have no reason to defend how you are living your life. You have no reason for defending your emotions.
As the young folks say these days: You do you. Be happy.
You are right. I have no reason to apologize. I am who I am and live the best life possible. That really is enough and yet it is not enough. Guess I still have some adjusting to do with growing older
DeleteIn the past I have had no problem being to go to hole or mouth if I've been really attracted to him the chemistry is great and we have a good time. Of the chemistry is not been right and it's just been all sex it's a lot easier for me to make it a one-time thing and that's it. Right now I like my life and my relationships with Warbucks and the Lad... and I can still keep my Independence. But who knows when I get a little older maybe my Outlook might change. I still wouldn't discount finding someone if that's what you want it always happens when you least expect it.
ReplyDeletejust what I used to tell my friends. there is an basic tenet of human existence that goes "what you resist you become" maybe I and resisting being alone and letting someone find me so much that it is happening to me as I resist it. who really knows.
DeleteHoneybun, the bar of your future paramour being equal to or better than My Robert is a fancy way of saying you are not willing to take a chance on any relationship. I would wager that My Robert himself would not meet that standard, if hypothetically he was to meet you today. Although I am sure he was practically perfect in every way, there must have been some things that drove you batty until he either changed them or you learned to tolerate them. That is how multi-decade relationships stay intact. Putting that kind of expectation on somebody you are meeting for the first time is unfair.
ReplyDeleteI hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are highly unlikely to meet My Robert again in this life, and you certainly will not have the same relationship you had with My Robert. Instead, you have a good chance of meeting somebody different, and having a different kind of relationship with that person.
Too many gays carry around big checklists of what they are looking for in a partner, and are awful quick to discard those that do not fit every single criterion. Don't be one of those gays. Are you clear on what is nonnegotiable and what is a "nice to have"?