BITS AND PIECES
Today just some bits to maybe make things a bit clearer.
First, here is a picture of the front of the building I live in. It shows the driveway that all the limos pull in to let residents out...maybe not limos but pretty nice cars. I don't use it since I had to stop driving due to the drop foot in my right foot and I could no longer feel the gas or brake peddles.
And this is a picture of our central courtyard. The window to the left of the french doors is my apartment. The french doors are the Library. Large collection of books, a lot of which are in large print formats. Also it serves as a game room in the evenings for rummy and/or 42.
So far it is a beautiful day. Lots of sun even though it is a bit cool. Sitting at 50 degrees right now so maybe a little walk with Timmy and sitting in the sun a bit after I have lunch. If I can find a place out of the wind it should be pretty nice.
For a few days now I have been sitting reading news and email in the mornings and just began to cry. Not sobs or anything like that, just a serious melancholy. I know what it is. In about a week it will be my Robert's birthday. The second since he died. And every year it just does not get any better. Someone told me recently that incredible love leads to incredible grief.
And, if this year is anything like the last it will be followed by a major depression leading up to and on the day in March when he died and then the day in July that we were finally able to get married.
I knew I love him with all my heart and soul but his absence overwhelms me at times and all I can do is let the sadness and the memories wash over me. When that happens Timmy always comes to me and lays his head on my lap and looks up at me with sad eyes. I know he wants me to not be sad and I know that my Robert would just tell me to "man up" and keep moving forward. I do try and most of the time it is o.k. But, on certain days it is more that I can handle.
Everyone, hug the person you love, tell them until they tell you to just shut up how much you love them and how important they are. You can never prepare yourself for such a loss but you can endure it and hold on to the memories of all the wonderful times.
You've a right to your grief, but don't let it overwhelm you. Remember the love and the laughs and smile.
ReplyDeleteI hope it is okay for me to leave a comment once in a while. I have been reading for a couple of weeks but have been reluctant to open my big yap.
ReplyDeleteHere is my first yap: I think you can "man up" and still be sad. You are handling your change of circumstances with remarkable grace, as far as I can tell.
I am both happy you have Timmy to care for, and sad you couldn't keep the other dogs.
You are always welcome to comment as you feel moved to do. What was originally to be the story of my Robert's and me on our little farm has transitions to more of a journal of my life these days. My mother used to say that I had no shame. I always replied that actually I have no secrets. Which is not totaly true but those secrets are for another place and time.
DeleteWhenever I read or hear about someone grieving, I'm reminded of the movie "Good Will Hunting", when Robin Williams talks about his deceased wife and how she farted in her sleep. The good and funny times always stand out the most in ones life who's been lost. Especially a good life.
ReplyDeleteYou are lucky to have the wisdom of Old Lurker (aka Lurkie). His life experiences are vast.