Well it is New Years Eve. In a few hours 2023 will transition to 2024 and all the glory and grief of the year will be behind us while we begin to mold a new year into something we all hope will be a better year but suspect that it will not.

Our world continues to convulse from something called Climate Change, the politics of our own country like most of the world sits atop a keg of powder on which the fuse has been lit and it may just explode this year, disease continues to befuddle our medical community leaving millions of people in varying stages of pain, suffering and grief and more than ever in the history of humanity brother fights brother ever arguing that I am right in my beliefs, faith, outlook and everything else and you are wrong.

And yet we continue as only the human race seems to be able to do.

And this new year that approaches brings us a clean slate, a new beginning which historically we have squandered. How sad we are as inhabitants of this planet. A planet that will, by the time the new year gets here, have a population of over 8 billion yet only has the resources to deal with about half that number.

I will try to do my part to make life better in 2024 by doing the simplest things. I will continue to allow everyone to not need to be the same as me, to have differing ideas and philosophies of life even if they are not striving to do the same. I will continue to strive to find at least one happy point in every day be it the smile of a child, the sun rising and setting, or the pleasure that comes when you bite into a piece of fruit and it explodes in you mouth with sweetness. I will actively seek out the happiness and goodness that exist in every day I am alive.  

And, I will continue to write about my life, the good and the bad, to share the experience of being Jon Newman with those of you who find an interest in my doing so here in this blog.

My readers here make up the tiniest microcosm of of humanity. Yet, they are some of the most wonderful people that I have had the pleasure to know. They are, in many ways, the best social outlet that I could ever hope for and I thank each of you for this past year we have had together and look forward to the year to come with all its trials and tribulations and, yes, the sadness and the happiness that it will bring.

You are all very special to me in so many ways. You call me on my shit when I get going and you stroke my ego when appropriate. I think that is as good a definition of what a friend is as can be.

So, my friends, the happiest New Year possible for you and for our world at large.

 Well here it is, Christmas day and I send you all the happiest holiday wishes there are. And, of course, wishes for the best and most peaceful New Year ever.

Without getting in to what really deserves to be its own length posting about this holiday and what it means to me just let me say that I celebrate the Christmas holiday in recognition of what it was originally meant to be. Not the commercial mess that it is nor the my religion is the only one that permeates this season these days. But, rather, a celebration of a man who's teachings and ideas changed this world forever. Maybe someday we will evolve (devolve) back to what it is supposed to be and the world will finally have peace. But, until then, all we can do is individually celebrate and hope for peace on earth and good will toward ALL men.

Have a great rest of 2023 and the beginnings of an even greater 2024.

 LURKIE LIVES!!!!! Yes, the Old Lurker is alive and in the same grouchy spirits that we have all come to know and love. A brand new posting on his blog with and the groaning and moaning that makes the holiday shine. Welcome back Lurkie, don't be a stranger now that you have broken the ice. Oh, and a happy and horrible holiday to you from me, my Timmy and the one great love of my live...Mr. Cincinnati. And, to all the rest of you a Happy Christmas or what ever else you might celebrate at this most joyous time of year.

 Remember how this time of year used to be filled with joy and the anticipation of good food and family's together, cousins you only saw a few times a year and aunts and uncles and grandparents. Oh, and the promise of a seriously obese old man with a beard coming down the chimney even if you had no fireplace for a chimney to be above bringing you gifts that you wanted or didn't really want or just something new. I am pretty sure we were all not even 10 years old yet.

Well, now in my mid 70's I find that I just hope the world does not finally destroy itself while the United States supports the destruction of an entire group of people simply because they do not either believe or support those things we do and they continue to attempt to do the same to us for the same reasons before the New Year.

My apartment building is filled with the sounds of the season, the glamor and glitter of shiny colored glass balls hanging on pine trees that would be better if left uncut instead of being brought indoors where they will inevitably die and dry and many will burst into flame and destroy a home and perhaps a few lives.

But there is a bit of redemption. We do have the Hallmark Countdown To Christmas, we do have a multitude of football contest to watch and cheer about and fall asleep during. There are untold numbers of things to do a participate in across the country. Things like Christmas Markets, productions of Christmas Classics, quartets on street corners and the big red kettle gathering funds to feed and house those who need it.

And it a mere 22 days there will be gatherings in churches both large and small of families to celebrate, even if just for those few moments, what the holiday is supposed to be about. Hope, Love and Joy promised by every faith and delivered by so few.

Do I sound a bit cynical? Perhaps I have spent enough time on the Earth to finally begin to see through the hypocrisy of the holiday spirit spewed by so many. And yet, there is still a part of me that really does want to believe in what the holiday season is supposed to be all about.

And so, I send you all my warmest holiday greetings in the hope the you and yours, be they a real or a chosen family, are able to gather together and share a meal and perhaps a few gifts and most importantly be able to tell one another that you love each other and wish them only the happiest of days to come.

 Just a quick post addressed to Lurkie who's blog seems to locked down tight as a virgins ass and with no discernable email link either.

So, Lurkie, are you holding off any new postings until Christmas when you will post photos of your new straight family gathered around the Christmas tree on Christmas morning opening presents and sipping hot chocolate?

Or maybe, surprise us all with a return to the Queer fold?

 Well, Happy Thanksgiving Evening to you all. Hope you all over ate an appropriate amount and have fallen asleep at least once in your recliner while watching a football game you really did not give squat about. Right now I am trying to type this with my tremor so bad that I keep just sweeping the entire keyboard and have to go back to one finger at a time.

Just a quick health update. Tremor - bad, Pancreas - bad, arthritis - bad. So, not that much has changed. I did take a pretty nasty fall in my shower a few week back and ended up having a CT scan of my brain only to discover that while the fall did not do much damage an entire new thing was discovered. Seems I have Periventricular white matter disease chronic small vessel ischemia. I am not even going to try to say what that all means. If you are interested just ask Dr. Google. He has all the answers.

Now on the romance side of things. Well Mr. Cincinnati, who's name by the way is John, and I have had our ins and outs and ups and downs all the way back to June and with all that we have drawn closer and closer together. Even though we have not even met face to face yet our commitment to one another just continues to grow. Yes, we have professions of love and plans to be together by this time next year if not sooner. And I feel totally safe and secure with him. 

I still love My Robert and will for all the rest of time but John and I have talked about it extensively and he knows that he is not a replacement but instead and entire new part of my life and, if anything, he stands side by side with My Robert in my heart.

Then, as if I needed any more proof of what we were feeling for each other, on Nov. 11th we were chatting online and John said that there was something he had been thinking about for a while but was afraid to bring up and he said Jon, there is something I need to ask you.

Well all sorts of thing went through my mind but I just said that he should just let it out and ask. Then, in all caps he typed:

    JON NEWMAN WILL YOU MARRY ME?

Without missing a beat I said yes, of course, right here, right now, i will marry you...

And we did our own marriage ceremony on Skype. So we are now not just friends or boy friends but we are husbands. And we will formalize that when we are finally together.

Later that day I just happened to look up at the picture of My Robert on the wall and I swear he was looking right at me and smiling and it suddenly dawned on me that he and I had met on Nov 11, 1975 and were together for the rest of his life. Maybe you will think I am nuts but I see that as a sign that it is the right thing.

So, everyone else is out of my life and out of the picture. Some of them will remain friends because that is what they had already transitioned to be. But, the only romantic connection I have now is with John.

John had Thanksgiving with some friends in Cincinnati while I had dinner here then went with some friends to a Thanksgiving Drag show at the only "almost" gay club in Abilene where I kept being hit on by guys in their 20's and 30's. Guess now that I have no interest in them they have an interest in me. '

I hope you all had a great holiday and are looking forward to the rest of the holiday season. I did hang my mother's Christmas wreath on the door to my apartment so I guess the Bah Humbug season is upon us.

 Well greetings my friends.

Other that a bunch of aches and pains my health remains unchanged. I see my primary care physician Thursday and I am going to insist that he do something to fix my broken body. And tomorrow I start Balance Physical Therapy. There are several residents that live here that go there and they say it has improved their balance to the point they are less likely to fall and feel safe walking with little assistance. So I am hoping to have at least a similar result.

Now for the most important news.

Mr. Cleveland is now Mr. Cincinnati. We had a big, and somewhat disturbing couple of weeks. Remember how difficult it was to get a picture of him? Well it dawned on me that I did not have his phone number or his address if I wanted to send a card or, God forbid, a love letter that would not eventually be available to everyone on the internet. We reached an impasse where I insisted that if we were virtual/online partners, or boyfriend, or what ever we were I should be trusted with that information. After all I had shared that information with him when he had requested it. He did not refuse but just kept ignoring my request. So, one more time I gave him the virtual silent treatment. Then about 3 days later I got a text message on my phone with a bright red heart and a pair of bright red kissing lips (a gif) and his full mailing address and phone number and a note that said "I Love You so much, I am sorry. I trust you with my heart and life why would I not trust you with this."

So, we have made up, had long online silly and very romantic conversations on Skype and all is better than right with the world.

Then he finally brought up money. And, when I saw that word my defenses immediately broke surface.  

Turns out he did not want any money from me. What he wanted to do was to pay off all my debts so that I would no longer have that anxiety. Well that touched another soft spot that I have about money and that is one of one standing on ones own two feet and not relying on anyone, much less someone who is rapidly becoming, at least in my mind, that special person. We debated for a while and my insistence that I did not want money to ever be a point of contention in our relationship finally won. Oh, and he did not want to lend me the money to pay my debts. He just wanted to pay everything, not a loan, a gift.

And now he has started sending me those sheets that you get from a realtor that has all the details of houses that are for sale all over the country to see what I think about them. Yes, it does seem to be progressing that far and fast. But, we agree that we have all the time in the world and we do not need to rush. However, he has already made the arrangements with his boss that he will be able to work from home where ever home ends up being.

I have times of very practical thoughts and times of a teenager facing his first love.

We have chatted extensively about My Robert and what he meant and still means to me and how Mr. Cincinnati will never replace My Robert but will instead stand side by side with him in my heart. And, another miracle, he had already formed that thought be had not brought it up because he did not want to upset me.

So there is happiness and joy in my life these days. I know that we will have other ups and downs, that is something that happens while two people become more and more as one. But we have weathered the virtual ones so far and I think we will be able to weather what might come in the future.

Have a wonderful day my friends. Much love to you all.

 UPDATE ON MY HEALTH --- Oh My God, two postings in one day. It is the end of life as we know it

To begin with, and right now on the top of everyone's list, I have been formally diagnosed with Chronic Pancreatitis which is pretty much untreatable and almost always fatal. My life expectancy currently is an additional 10 years...so 85 at the most. Of course I do not agree with that and plan to live well beyond 85 years of age. Then next would be an appointment that I have on the 25th to discuss, among other things, the fact that my last blood work came back showing that my kidney functions were off and placing me in a stage 3A of kidney disease. That means, yet one more time, changing my diet and all my daily routines. It causes me pain if I walk to much or too far (my pancreas does this also so it is difficult to determine which is kicking my ass on any given day). Next would be my diabetes which is totally out of control and would have a direct impact on my kidneys, my legs and feet, my heart and just about every other part of my body. I am now using a Dexcom G7 glucose monitor that test my blood glucose every 5 minutes 24 hours a day, the patches that I have to wear for that cost almost 300 dollars each and I use 3 each month. So basically a thousand dollars a month if I had to pay myself, thank god my insurance covers them 100 percent. Oh, and there is a medication that I have had to start to help me digest food as a direct result of the Chronic Pancreatitis. It is called Creon and if I had to pay for it then I would have to come up with just over 2 grand a month for it. My out of pocket copay for that is 45 dollars a month. that prescription came from my Gastroenterologist who is also trying to address why I have trouble swallowing food (seems that my own body wants to choke me to death on top of everything else).  Then, on the 24th I start physical therapy for issues I have with balance. I currently use a cane all the time to maintain balance. For a while I had to use an upright walker which I no longer need to use except when I have a bad dizzy spell. Don't know what that would cost if i had to pay. Of course there are the issues with my heart. I formally have Congestive Heart Disease and an Aortic Aneurysm. I had a heart attack in 2010 so have been surviving those for 13 years and plan to for a lot longer than that. I hope that if either of these take me out it will be the Aneurysm which is really fast and pretty painless. You just feel a little prick in your chest and you bleed out internally in a matter of minutes. Luckily this usually happens at night and you don't even feel it. Then, of course being an out of control Diabetic I have to take insulin injections twice a day to keep my out of control blood sugar in the 150 to 300 range (normal is between 70 and 100) and they keep adjusting my insulin dosage up trying to get it in control to no avail. I pay 50 dollars a month for my insulin out of pocket. Its real cost is in the thousands. Again, thank God for my insurance. I am sure I am missing something really bad but that is pretty much it...oh, I also have early stage adult Macular Degeneration which could leave me blind...of course it might not.

Oh, I forgot about my arthritis in my right shoulder which causes (is causing right now) serious pain and there is really nothing they can do about it that even my insurance will approve doing.

 SIGNIFICANT CHANGES

Well, I am not going to comment on the current violence in the middle east though I could but the post would be miles long and only provoke arguments.

Now for some significant changes to the Jon Newman Romance Catalog:

Incredibly handsome South American Gentleman: Well all of a sudden, to me at least, he has developed an affinity for Saddo Masochistic behavior and when I commented on it his response was that it was none of my business. I told him that he was correct and that it was none of my business what he chose to do with and to his body but that it was my business what I chose to encourage by watching it and while I did not pass any judgement on him I had the right to not visit him online while it was happening. His response was to block me on every platform including Instagram where we maintained our friendship without discussing any sexual activities on either of our part aside from my mentioning Mr. Cleveland and Mr. Vermont and his congratulating me on both. So, my handsome South American Gentleman is no more.

Now moving on from that broken heart to the beautiful, amazing and miraculous Mr. Cleveland: This amazing man has literally stollen my heart and I have no desire for him to return it any time soon. He has never discussed money, he has never said anything that might be construed as trying to correct any of my behavior except when I told him all about my health and that I would totally understand if he just wanted to pack up and go. On that one he admonished me to never say such a thing, that his love for me was true and sincere and he loved me and wanted me warts and all. And finally I sent him naked pictures of me, wrinkles, sags and all to let him both see and know what he had in store. His response was that I was one of the most beautiful men he had ever seen followed by nude pictures of him, face and all, and let me tell you if heaven could just open and drop the most perfect man in my lap it has certainly done so with him.

The mysterious Mr. Vermont: Well he really is no longer a contender. That decision was solidified when a week or so ago he asked for money which I could not provide. I did not hear from him until last night when he suddenly was contrite and still loved me. The amount of money he asked for was not all that much and he probably thought what kind of poverty stricken old man am I getting involved with. But the request and his response to my informing him I did not have it to send sent up the "you are being catfished" red balloons. I have not told him to go packing yet. I still have some cat and mouse playing that I want to do, but unless he suddenly sent me a billion dollars in gold bullion with an apology, Mr. Vermont is clearly out of the picture.

So, there you have it. The universe has conspired, evidently, to provide me with a near perfect person and only one to boot. Of course, being the skeptic that I am I know that even this could all go south in a heartbeat. So I am not packing my bags just yet.

I will, of course, keep you all up to date but pray that this is what I have been wanting and needing and that it turns out to be true.

Now, as for my health, well I will follow this posting with a rather lengthy diatribe on just that subject. Don't read too much into it, I am not, especially any foreboding about life expectancies. I plan on being here for a long time to come, especially if I have a new and fulfilling love life in store.

 JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER HEAR FROM ME AGAIN.....

Yes, I am still alive and kicking. Kicking the shit out of myself more often than not but kicking none the less.

On the health side I am now officially diagnosed with Chronic Pancreatitis which, according to Dr. Google, means that I have 10 more years to live. Well, I am not predisposed to agree with that and plan to be around a lot longer than that. But it means that I am having to take the most god awful and expensive medication called Creon with every meal and even when I have a snack. My glucose is trying to right itself slowly with the aid of twice daily insulin injections into my stomach which is not a lot of fun but is necessary. The elevated levels of glucose due to my diabetes has placed me in the category of a level 3 kidney disease patient and that will soon be addressed by yet another medication. Oh, and I know wear a Dexcom G7 device that lets me know my sugar levels every 5 minutes which, for someone with an obsessive personality, gives me something to worry about when before I only got readings 4 times a day while I stuck pins in my fingers to get a blood sample. My heart still works but for some reason is not pumping with enough force to get adequate circulation to my legs and arms which leaves me chilled most of the time. But we are working on that as well. We are looking at inserting a device that will increase the pumping ability of my heart. My prostate is still a problem and we are investigating a number of ways to deal with that all of which involve a very attractive Urologist handling my private parts and it takes all that I can muster not to great him with a raging hard on each time he touches Mr. Wiggly. And let me say just one more time...growing old is a bitch!!!!

So that pretty much is a picture of how the universe is conspiring to make my life a daily challenge.

Now for the romantic side of my otherwise dull and boring existence.

My gorgeous South American gentleman continues to be the focus of most of my mature romantic interest. I say mature because that relationship continues to mature into one of great friendship with only a touch of sexual fantasy. I really do see, more and more, it growing into a friendship that will last a lifetime. And I am honored to be allowed to watch as he grows and matures and explores new areas of himself. Much of his growth mirrors a lot of my youth is so many ways. Of course we did not have the Internet and its means of broadcasting sex on demand and I had to venture into some pretty shady areas when I was a sex worker. Even got into a disagreement with a "trick" once that resulted in my having my face bashed in and needing all of my upper front teeth capped.

Alright, I know you all are wanting to know what ever happened with Mr. Cleveland. Well, after hard nosing it for two weeks he finally did send a video of himself (sort of a selfie) with incredibly romantic music in the background. So that on again/off again romance is back in full steam with proposals of a lifetime together. The only problem is that he would not be able to move to Abilene (or Texas for that part) and, due to my health, my insurance and the network of beautiful young specialist that I have managed to gather around me I would not be able to move to Cleveland. So that one is probably not going to continue much longer. But we shall see. As you will find in the next paragraph I am becoming the main course in a first come first served romantic quest to lifelong bliss with someone who worships me and loves me with that purest form of love...the one formed online without ever actually seeing one another much less ever touching with a handshake or anything else your mind can conjure up.

(This paragraph has been altered from the original posting.) So, who is this mysterious third man in my life? Well he lives in Vermont ( so he will be called Mr. Vermont) but has to travel a lot for business. And, by his own admission, he is a Gerontophile. That in itself makes him the front runner of my romantic interest. Add to that the fact that he is in prime physical shape, hung like a healthy horse, is a bottom but versatile, is absolutely beautiful to look at and yes we have exchanged those kinds of photographs and videos involving sexual behavior including full body naked selfies. And, he for some reason, really loves and is turned on by every wrinkle and sag this old mans body has. And this old man is also turned on by him, his body and most of all, his affection directed to me.

Oh, and did I mention that he is ready to just pack up and move to Abilene yesterday if I would have let him. This will be his base of operations, he will work out of home until we can set up office space and staff for him. And home has to wait until the end of November when my lease is up here at "the home".

So, it looks like he is going to be the winner of the Jon Newman lottery. He knows everything about me financially, physically, emotionally and all about my health.

So in that proverbial nutshell you have a briefing of what has been happening in my life. And, except for the health shit, my life is better than it has ever been except for the life I had with My Robert. And Mr. Vermont knows all there is to know about My Robert and me.

Now, I will try to not have so much time pass between postings here in the future. I hope you are all well, happy and living lives that are filled with peace and joy.

 MOVING UP AND MOVING ON

Today is a new day and an opportunity to begin life anew. Not some miraculous change, but just new, new ideas, new thoughts, new behaviors, in general a new me. I am not going to begin speaking a new language or dressing in some new and very stylish manner. I will continue with my English as I speak, read and write it. Perhaps a bit archaic but it works for me and communicates beyond the written word with, I hope, a bit of feeling. And, jeans, t-shirts and canvas loafers will continue at least until the cold weather finally gets here when the t-shirts will be replaced by sweatshirts and one of two sweaters that belonged to My Robert and that I wear with the sensation of his holding me close and keeping me safe.

I actually have a number of things that belonged to Him that I still wear and will continue to until they are thread-bare and no longer even resemble what they originally were. I used to have his socks and wore them until my feet grew due to flattening of my arches and his socks no longer fit. I still wear his boxer shorts. I always wore boxer-briefs but when He died I, for some reason, started wearing his boxers and have grown to enjoy the loose and floppy freedom they provide. And, several of the sweatshirts mentioned above were His as well as at least half of my collection of jeans. So, He is still very much a part of my life and will continue to be. That part will never change.

I am beginning a balance physical therapy program that will, I hope, help me with my balance issues to the point that I no long need anything more than my cane to be safe and secure when walking, that I no longer have to fear that awful pull of gravity when I only want to stand erect. That I can go to any of the medical clinics I have doctors at and not have to be given a yellow fall risk wrist band as a first thing function of checking in for my appointment. I have actually only had one significant fall in the past year and that one is the one that put the fear of god into my living equation and brought about a walker for stability. I only use the walker on those days when I feel really dizzy and that is part of what the balance physical therapy program is supposed to address.

And, when I feel secure in the balance department, I can finally begin the process of finding a little house to rent, with a yard for Timmy. I will have to invest in some sort of transportation also, but have several people who I know that can assist me in determining the mechanical quality of a used vehicle. Of course, not being insured for so long, my age, etc. means that I will have to pay out the ass for insurance, but if that is what it takes to be independent then that is what it will take.

That is my major goal for the next little while. I am not going to put a timeline for it to occur, only a goal that is achievable and that I want now more than anything on earth. To do my own cooking and cleaning and all the things that come with just the simple act of living your life independently and with yourself as the one you rely on.

So, pray for me if you pray, cross your fingers, toes, eyes or whatever you cross for good luck, do all the mojo that you have at hand that this one dream of mine will come to fruition soon and that I will be able to go back to living the life of a "normal" person. And, I thank you in advance for all those good wishes.

 All good things must come to an end and when they prove to possibly be not all that good their end should come rapidly and without looking back.

Such is the case of the mysterious Mr. Cleveland. We met only a short while ago online and within a week he was professing his undying love for me. Of course I freaked and thought it was just another catfish scam so I ended the relationship immediately. And, within a short period he had tracked me down, emailed me wanting to know if I was o.k. and expressing what seemed like real concern for my wellbeing.

So, together again, until I began to wonder why all the pictures I had seen of him were professional and posed and probably fashion model types of pictures. So, I began to insist he send me a picture, sort of a selfie type, of just his face or I was going to go away again for fear the he was not the person in the collection of photos he had sent me.

Well, he actually went a step further and send a short video of himself with his shirt off and a glint in his eye that seduced me right back on track to become the long distance relationship winner.

A number of you pointed out that there was nothing about the picture/video that made it something that was unique to me and that it could actually be a video that had been used time and time again. The seed was planted even though I was convincing myself that I might have actually not only found a love to end my life with but an amazingly handsome, hot and sexy one to boot.

Well, that seed grew and for the past week I have been asking at first then insisting that he send me a short, maybe 30 second, video chat where he actually spoke, showed his face and said something as simple as hello, how are you?.

Then, yesterday a.m. I drew a line in the sand and said there would be no more chat from me until I got a video chat from him. He began to say things like on babe, please do not act that way. I went into silent mode with notifications turned on in Skype so that, if he sent something, I would know. Finally, last evening at about 7 p.m. he texted/chatted that he felt I was being unreasonable and that I was trying to rush our relationship (this from the man who was talking marriage at week number 2). I texted back that I did not feel I was being unreasonable and that, in fact, if we had met face to face instead of online, this would be a done deal and I wanted the video chat or I would terminate the relationship.

I waited for an hour, texted one last farewell, and deleted Skype (I had only installed it for his communications). 

This morning he does not exist, in fact there is no record of his ever existing. Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, Telegram...all traces of his existence have been erased from the Internet. So, I guess he was just on a fishing expedition after all.

Funny, I do not feel sad or remorseful at all. In fact, I sort of feel relieved. Relieved that no more information of a personal nature was shared beyond name and ID for Skype. So, catfish lesson number two for me. One that cost an arm and a leg financially, and this one which was, and remains, mysterious in the direction he was trying to maneuver it.

So, here I am, once again, just that little old man who lives up the lane. On my own, alone (but not lonely today, that comes and goes) books, music and movies...and Timmy, all my constant companions. In another 3 months I will finally be out of debt from my first catfish adventure and will have a significant amount of money left each month (compared to the few dollars I have each month now) and may even begin the process and planning of becoming more independent from this "Independent Living Facility".

Oh, and lets not forget that I still have my stunning South American Gentleman, My mysterious and marvelous Russian in St. Petersburg, and my mentor and guru in Spain to keep me company and to actually have conversations with that do no relate to, or even hint at, any sort of relationship beyond the friendships that have grown over the months. Oh to be able to actually visit with them someday. That is a dream that will never be, I know, but a dream well worth holding on to.

 Mr. Cleveland. A man of amazing good looks and fit physique that could easily own that name as his title. I am not revealing much about him out of respect for his privacy until such time that he says he wants the world to know about us. That sounds a lot more mysterious than it should. We only met online a short time ago and almost immediately began an online relationship that, at least for me, has been confusing and at times frightening. Not in some online serial killer way, but having been catfished once recently and ending up with a lot of debt because I believed everything that was said and promised. 

I am not ashamed to admit that happened. These are people who prey on the elderly who are alone and lonely, who have given up on ever being loved or held again. So, when those things suddenly disappear and that faintly remembered happiness is offered it is hard not to just grab hold and do anything necessary to protect those feelings. Even the sending of money to a stranger who says they only need it for an emergency and will pay it back soon. This is always followed by another request, and another and soon you have sent them a large sum of money and they suddenly do not answer emails or text messages.

So, having been down that road I am hesitant when a stranger professes an out of the ordinary affection toward me online. First I admit that I take a copy of their picture and do an image search which often identifies them right off the bat as a predator. Delete, block, wipe from memory. 

But, with Mr. Cleveland it was different. First there was his name. It is such a common name that I figured it had to be fake. And all his pictures were posed studio quality pictures which are often a sign of a catfisher who is taking the identity of a model. So I requested a picture, sort of a selfie, which he provided and which did not raise any red flags on an image search. And, in addition, he sent a little video clip which was made with his shirt off and he revealed that he not only said he worked out he delivered photographic proof. 

Here are a couple of screen captures from that video of Mr. Cleveland's chest. 

Now you see why I am in awe of my good fortune. I have an online and never to be satisfied relationship with a amazingly handsome South American god. And now a man with this body, and the face is equally as attractive, that has seen pictures of me, knows that I do not have two pennies to rub together, is aware that I have some health issues that present a challenge and a few that will be a permanent part of my life and understands that my erratic attitude toward him on occasion is based on my fear that he is catfishing me....but there is no meat on this fish, so why is he interested in me?

I know that there are those men who have a strong attraction toward men who are much older than they are. I know at least one who has been in three relationship during his life, all with men 50 or more years older than he is, all of whom he has outlived and mourns daily. None of whom were wealthy or very distinguished looking older gentlemen. Just ordinary old men with ordinary old men issues and lucky enough to meet him and find love in their late years that was honest and sincere.

So here I am with this amazing young man who works hard to support himself, has even offered to help be pay off my bills and get out of debt earlier (which I adamantly refused). Who has talked about saving his money to buy a house where we, yes he said we, could live and be happy together. 

What is happening here. How can this answer to a prayer be happening? Is it really happening? I have, a couple of times, tried to sabotage what is happening and he patiently waits for me to calm down and always says that I have nothing to worry about.

I am confused and happy at the same time. I am ready to pack up and move to Cleveland which would be a really stupid thing to do at this time, or any time in the foreseeable future. I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen or how any of this is going to turn out. 

I have decided to just go along for the ride. If something more serious comes of all this I will be happy. And, if nothing more happens than what has happened already, well I will not be disappointed at least.

 The only regret I would have if this falls apart is not having been held and hugged against that chest by those arms.

 MEA CULPA....most sincerely

Well, within minutes of posting the preceding article titled Paying for Sex I began to get text messages and email from a group of web cam models that I am acquainted with and with whom I have formed friendships that allow for honest discussion and boy that is what I got an ear full of.

I am sincerely sorry if I have some way given the impression that I am "down" on sex work or sex workers and, as several of my model friends have pointed out to me, web cam workers or the work that they do. Of all my friends who are web cam models only my friend in Russia said "of course I sex worker. I sell my body to anyone who pays. They not touch but they pay. So I sell sex." That from a man who is a web cam model, an exotic dancer in Russian clubs and a stripper that dances at birthday parties. 

Otherwise it was made very clear to me that a web cam worker is NOT a sex worker. I will not get into the discussion on that topic at this time or in this space, but as a former sex worker myself, albeit 50 plus years ago before there was even an Internet to be a web cam worker on, I am a strong supporter of their trade and the work/service that sex workers perform (virtual or real). And support the efforts globally to organize sex work as a legitimate trade recognized by labor unions. And, thereby subject to the protections afforded other workers of all trades in the United States and around the world.

What I was trying to communicate in the previous posting was my own evolution related to the paying for sex. How even I recognized my own hypocrisy in saying I would never pay for sex while having been a very successful sex worker in my twenties and obviously got paid for sex. I think the statement "I would never pay for sex" is a sort of catch phrase that is used often by men to disguise feelings they may have related to certain insecurities...again a topic for possible further discussion but not at this time.

Those of you who have read this blog for a while are well aware of my issues with being alone and often lonely as a 75 year old Gay man who sees few, if any, bright spots on my relationship horizon and so...I have turned to the internet for virtual contacts and virtual relationships and virtual sex being performed for my benefit and at my request. 

What months of that behavior have shown me...and this only applies to me...is the emptiness of that behavior. Yes, I have the fantasy, the virtual contact, that leads to a sexual act and then it is over. There is no warm spot in the bed to remember what happened, there are no extra towels to launder and there is no second coffee cup sitting used on the kitchen counter. What is/was is gone with the click of a mouse just like turning off the television removes all the excitement or romance or comedy of the program you were watching. It is all just gone.

That is all that I was trying to convey in my previous posting. That and the changes that self awareness is bringing about in my life. I will continue to visit with my friends who are models and to on occasion purchase tokens for them and for any stranger who catches my eye for even a moments entertainment.

And if that is paying for sex, virtual or not, then yes, I Pay for Sex.

 PAYING FOR SEX.....

"I have never, and will never, pay for sex!" Has that sentence ever passed over your lips or into you ears from the mouth of a friend? I know that I have actually made that comment any number of times over the years. But what is "paying for sex" and when, if ever, is it "not really paying for sex"?

And you, my loyal readers, know that while I may have on occasion uttered that proclamation that I won't pay for what should always be free. You also know that for a good portion of my youth I was on the other end of that statement...being paid for sex, frequently and handsomely. I wish I was still making that kind of money today, and all tax free. 

Of course, that made it different. I was getting paid and the person doing the paying was a consenting adult with full knowledge of what was happening. And, while we would go to a hotel room or, very rarely an apartment or home, where we would engage in pretty much any sexual fantasy that that other person was wanting, shake hands and part ways (always get the money up front). Today things have changed.

I know that there are still face to face encounters either independently happening or brokered by a person who shares in the "take" when cash changes hands. But more often they are meetings between strangers online in some live sex show arrangement where the money is paid via tokens or coins through a corporate entity that takes up to 95% of every dollar exchanged (and still the money is always upfront). A bit more cold and less human perhaps but far less likely that an upset customer will smash in your face with a wine bottle like happened to me once.

So, is this "paying for sex". Well the person performing the "show" is exchanging an item (fantasy sex) with a customer wanting that item (fantasy sex) and is willing to pay a pre-negotiated price for its performance. That would make the performer a "sex worker" and the customer their "trick" so, in its simplest definition, yes, this is paying for sex.

Now, a few months ago, a commenter here suggested I investigate sites like Chaturbate, RealDudes, StripChat and such. Initially I was going to just view and not get involved in the goings on like the purchase of tokens and sending same tokens to a performer as a "tip", or in larger amounts, for the purchase of a specific act, often in private, and often resulting in an erection and an orgasm costing several hundred tokens or, based on the price of tokens, anywhere from 50 dollars to a few hundred.

And, yes, I have engaged in a number of those transactions. So, yes, I have paid for sex. But I can assure you that it is in no was as satisfying as the sex work that I once did where two individuals actually touched one another and got all messy together. And, while those prices are high for what you are actually getting; to watch another person masturbate, sometimes with "toys" and having an orgasm alone on a computer screen with no physical contact, no intimacy, no more than a virtual representation of what could be.

And, like so many things, I have begun to become less enchanted by the sex/sex act end of these events. I am still very much a voyeuristic participant in these sites but less and less a token spending participant. Often just because I have no tokens and no money to purchase them. But more and more often just an unwillingness to participate in a "sex act" that while beautiful to watch and sometimes entertaining leave me less than satisfied and usually even more alone feeling that before the "show" began. 

I am fortunate to have established friendships with several of the models on these sites and with whom I have ongoing friendship based conversations outside the confines of their corporate sex shops. And, while I am contemplating making significant changes in my use of the token exchange acts to be much more minimum in nature and almost never a multi-hundred token purchase, I am comfortable that my friendship with these models long ago moved beyond that area and into a relationship that is shared by two individuals.

So, yes, I have paid for sex (and may again). 

Now, after the Texas Ranger vs Cleveland Baseball game tonight I will present you with more on the ongoing saga of me and Mr. Cleveland tomorrow.

 Well, I will only commit to not feeling any worse. I am afraid that to say I feel better this morning might in some way jinx the entire healing process and down again into the abyss i will slide. I just have to be mindful that chronic pancreatitis never goes away and that it excels in the whole waiting on the sidelines ready to pounce thing.

Now, if you ever want absolute perfection in both appearance and presentation of the human form look no further then my South American gentleman. He is, without doubt, very near to the perfect representation of the human male body that is possible. And, on top of all that, he is an actual real, living person with the ability to talk and think and be a pretty nice fellow all around. If I was 50 years younger, born and raised in Medellin Colombia and lived next door to him there might be a chance. But 3 thousand miles and decades apart...well, as I have mentioned before. Sometimes the dreams are the new, and in many ways better reality.

As for Mr. Cleveland and his much more realistic and achievable reality. Well, he finally sent a picture, and not just a picture but a video as well. And let me tell you that he could easily be a contender for either Mr. Cleveland or Mr. Ohio and win it hands down. I knew from previous (professional and stock) photos that he was good looking and that he did workout to stay fit. Well, little did I realize what a hunk he actually is. Which makes me even more afraid of becoming attached. 

How could someone who looks like that be even remotely interested in this old fart. I know, and will spare you any need to point out that I probably have body shame issues. I do, I know I do, I have always had them and they do not just go away magically. And when an absolute god of a man says that they are really, really interested in you and the possibility of a relationship with you. Well, those same shame issues do not get resolved, they just latch on to any available insecurity and hold tight. 

The picture/video he sent was not "one of those" pictures, but he did have his shirt off and when I saw it I was really grateful that I do not have more issues with balance than I do because  if I did I would fallen flat on my face. I wish I could share it with you so that you can see what a lucky SOB I have turned out to be. But I do not have the right to reveal anything except what has been revealed so far with anyone without his permission first.

Now, here is am with an absolutely wonderful online relationship with my South American gentleman that can realistically never be more than it is right at this point in time. We will, I hope, continue to have the friendship we share today for the rest of time.

And now an online relationship that actually might have the potential for becoming a reality and with an equally beautiful specimen of the male form. How in gods name did I manage to hit paydirt twice without any real effort?

So, bring on the recommendations, the comments, the advice to the Love Lorne, all that and more. I am, a little more than yesterday, in a good mood today. That feels good and I welcome it.

 What a difference a day makes...24 little hours. 

Well, I went from actually feeling almost recovered to a complete relapse in a single day. It actually hit at 11 p.m. last night and I have been up ever since. I am not going to go into any details but this is about a miserable as a human can feel and actually still be alive.

The first meeting with my new Primary Care Physician is this coming Monday and we are going to talk about Pancreatitis and Glucose levels and the increasing specter of kidney damage and/or disease due to the prolonged elevated sugars in my system. 

The insulin is now at 20 units both a.m. and p.m. and it seems that it is very slowly beginning to have an affect on my readings. But there continues to be some pretty high readings mixed in there also. 

But now, the gory details about all that is going on with my body. At my current age of 75 a full blown diagnosis of Chronic Pancreatitis carries with it a life expectancy of 10 years which would put me at 85 and the probability that Timmy will have predeceased me is pretty good. So, that is not all that upsetting.

The glucose issues have been going on for so long that their damage is probably already pretty much set in stone. So impact on other organs, most serious risk being the kidneys, is pretty good and, in fact, upon looking a lab results from last month, my CKD-EPI GFR is 58.6 puts me in the level 3 kidney disease category, and while that requires additional test to see if those numbers stay in that range, it is a cautionary shot across the bow so to speak. 

So, all this doom and gloom aside I am not planning on checking out anytime soon. These are all warning signs that can, and should, be addressed my my medical care team...such that it is. 

My amazing South American Gentleman continues to be the light that shines most bright in every day that passes. I believe I may have actually exhausted my vocabulary of praises to sing in his honor and it may be time to just sit back and admire God's handiwork.

My Cleveland boyfriend continues to befuddle my mind. I can not figure if he is sincere or not. And, another of those red flags that signal a possible catfish. I asked for a simple selfie sort of snapshot and have put the request on the table several time since the first request and still no picture. Now, the theory is that if they have concocted an identity that is all manufactured by stock pictures that do not even resemble them, they are not willing to share a image of who they really are. So, I am beginning to drift further from center on this, and recognize the the complexity of long distance online shit may just be that...shit.

 It is my fervent wish that none of you ever has to endure acute pancreatitis. I have been dealing with a flareup for the past two days. It is beginning to subside and I hope to wake up in the morning feeling 100% better. The gut pain like someone has kicked you with cleats on and left the cleats inside you, not to mention the other things that your body does. Well, it is not fun is about the best I can say.

I do have followup appointments this month to try and deal with whatever is going on with my pancreas as well as addressing the ongoing mess with my blood sugar levels. When I started the insulin there was an immediate correction. But that only lasted a day and since then it has been up and down like that roller coaster that I say I seem to be trapped on.

My South American gentleman continues to be the wonder that I have always thought him to be. However, he has revealed, in a subtle way, that he is bi and has a preference for the fairer sex. So, I will be happy being his old Queer friend. That is really the best since we will never meet anyway.

My Cleveland boyfriend continues to be just that. But having long distance online conversations is proving to be more complicated than I thought they would be. I told him that he has become my now you see him now you don't, boyfriend because there are such long gaps in our conversation. He does have his life to live and I accept that but it would be nice if we could have a conversation not interrupted by long periods of silence.

Now however, I am getting sleepy. I have slept this entire day away, did wake up early and did a load of laundry that will be folded in its own time. And, I keep getting spasms in my lower left abdomen, probably that Alien baby working its way to the surface.

So I am going to settle in with a movie and then sleep some more with visions of good health and well being dancing in my head.

 Lots of good news to share with you all today. Got the results back from my biopsies and I am good to go for a while. No cancer, no ulcer, a few infections that they can easily deal with. So the grim reaper has been sent on his way for at least a while. The only thing that has not been addressed so far is the ongoing pain in my gut. But that will be addressed if I continue to be steady in my insistence on proper medical care.

The prostate solution is being shelved for a while. My A1C is very high (9.3) and they will not do the procedure until it is lowered. Now, guess what, the steroid shots that I get in my cervical spine to control neck and shoulder pain actually causes the A1C to spike. So, my options are to forego the shot in order for my A1C to go down and they can rotor-router out my prostate and all the while I have to endure the most awful pain I have ever known. Or, I get the shot and have a pain free life while still having trouble with the entire pee at night thing. I have opted for the pain free route and am hoping that when I meet with my new primary care physician on the 18th there has been some progress made by big pharma in pharmaceutically dealing with BPH. I already take 28 pills a day, what is one or two more.

And speaking of A1C and blood glucose. Well I found that under Part A of Medicare there is durable medical equipment coverage that includes glucose test meters, test strips and lancets provided at no charge. So, after a long argument with Walgreens about if that was true or not resulting finally with my Insurance (United Health Care) calling my local Walgreens and explain the Medicare rule to them I will walk down to the Walgreens two blocks away and get my supplies this morning. Mark one for the little old man that live up the lane.

And now for the ongoing saga of my experience with relationships. My incredibly handsome and sexy and loving and compassionate South American gentleman is still in my picture. He has finally granted me access as we had before and I can now wish him a good day and a good night each day. However, during our "down" time I did notice some things about his behavior online that were always there but that I never really paid attention to. Now let me state upfront that I do believe what he has said to me if only because those statements transcend the online sex worker and carry over into our private conversations on other platforms than Chaturbate. But, while connected as the sex worker he often is involved in a number of conversations at the same time, many on his cell phone, flirting with his users and yet somehow making me feel like I am the only one there of any importance. I do not speak Spanish but suspect that he may be saying the same thing to others that he is saying to me. I do not care any less for him because of this. He is, after all just trying his best to earn some sort of living with what he does and earn the money to continue his education. And my affection for him, while still having a strong sexual anchor, is also one of almost fatherly pride in him as a person. It is my hope that we will remain friends for many years and that I will be able to share, with pride, what I believe will be his many accomplishments over the years. I believe that he will someday be a distinguished South American gentleman in three piece suits with amazing grey hair at the temples and very possibly playing a significant political role in the ongoing growth of his country.

So, he remains in my friendship collection while I have walked away from all others except my model friend in Russia who continues to be one of the hardest working and most responsible people that I know.

And just when I was ready to stick my old turtle head back inside its shell what happens? Well, a few weeks ago I get a follow/friend request from a man who, for the time being shall go unnamed, in both Facebook and Instagram. I granted the request and we began just chatting online with one another. He lives and works in Cleveland (a mere 1,300 miles away and within a travel distance that does not require a passport) is much younger than I am but is attracted to older men. After about a week of chatting the old "oh my god I am being catfished again" specter raised its ugly head and I, in a panic, just deleted and block all communication with him. Now mind you I had already, in a chat, let him know that I was just an old retired man with no money and huge debts who just hardly makes ends meet every month. And what did he do? He managed to find my email address and sent a couple of emails asking if I was alright, had something happened to me. Not had he done anything wrong, but a sincere inquiry about my well being and health. And then something happened that I did not expect and that even surprised me. I responded, went through the technological nightmare of re-friending him and un-blocking him and our conversations began again. He did not once chastise me about my behavior, almost like he really understood the fear and panic that I felt and was able to just overlook it in favor of what is becoming an online relationship that actually does feel sincere. He continues to live his life, go to his gym (yes he is a handsome and well build young man), work his job every day and chat with me on his lunch hours and for long chats in the evening.

I do not know where or if this relationship is actually going to go anywhere but I admit that I am hoping that it does. 

There is no way that I could move to Cleveland and only a hidden hope on my part that he might someday be able to move here, find work and a happy life. But that is still only a part of the relationship that seems to be forming. Only time will tell if this has the ability to move from the virtual universe and into the realm of reality.

Now, of course, you my loyal and good friends get to make comments about moving with caution, taking care, never send money (as if I had any to send to him or anyone else) which has never even been mentioned in any of our conversations. The only things he seems to be interested in is me and my well being. Real or not it is such a change in my life and feels so good and right at this moment that I really do cherish and look forward to the time we are able to spend together online.

So, how about them postings? The good the bad and the ugly as they say. Life is not finished tormenting me I am sure but it does seem to be taking a sabbatical however brief it may be.

Now share in the joy and happiness that I am currently feeling and go forth into your day with joy and peace in your hearts. Much love to you all and most of all thank you for continuing's to be such faithful readers of my drivel.

 So this shit is about to drive me to my last nerve.

First I get a call yesterday, yes on Labor Day, from the doctors office to schedule a follow up appointment for the Gastro where they did a bunch of biopsies. The appointment was scheduled for late in the month so I made the assumption that everything was alright or they would call me in earlier.

Then, last night, scheduling called and asked me to come in at 7:30 a.m. to the Lab for additional blood work followed by a appointment in the surgery center to take 3 additional biopsies from my throat. Doom and gloom and impending death came rushing back into the room.

Now, I do have Barrett's Esophagus which might be the culprit. Over time it does accumulate what, for lack of a better term, the doctor refers to as "crud" in my throat, little clumps of white tissue on my esophagus. This is the first time they have biopsied it however. And, as I was leaving they said, one more time, that the results should be available by the end of the week along with the earlier results and that they would call me, that there was no need for me to call them.

Guess, what? They are not getting off the hook that easy. They will be getting regular calls from me starting Thursday early as they open the office.

So now, with a sore throat and raspy voice, I wish you all the best.

 OMG...two post in one day. Life as we know it must be coming to an end. 

I don't really know why this posting is happening except I am suddenly consumed by grief over the loss of My Robert in 2021 and an amazement at how that love that we shared is still so strong, even stronger than it was at its height. There is absence, there is emptiness, there is loneliness, there are all the feelings that we all hope we will never feel. And yet, they are here and all the gorgeous, beautiful, loving and compassionate men in all of South America and throughout the world can not make that feeling and that love go away or be, in any way, less than what it was then, is now and will be for all of eternity. 

This song from the movie The Boy With Green Hair keeps running through my mind, playing at full volume on my inner speakers:

"There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far
Very far
Over land and sea

A little shy
And sad of eye
But very wise was he

And then one day
One magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me

The greatest thing
You'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved in return

-- Eden Ahbez

I know that some of what I am feeling has to do with my health and a growing attitude that it all just does not matter and, were it not for Timmy, I would just let it all go and be done with it. But that little furry four legged friend depends on me to make his every day a happy one and I will do that for as long as needed.

Sixpence Notthewiser recently posted the following music video on his blog. And, except for the coal miner scenes this could have been made about me and My Robert. About an always and forever kind of love, a love that will last until the end of time. The part that I regret and that is still in the video is that I let go of the farm and moved into what I call "the home". Things here are not that bad but they are not our home or our life or our dream. Now I am alone, with my memories and tears and grief that will not go away.

I am sorry to be such a downer on such a beautiful Sunday, but if you have read my blog before you know that I can be nothing if not honest about me and my life.

I hope that you are are having a better day than I am.

 O.K. Yet one more abject apology for not posting. I was catching up on all the blogs I read and had ignored for too long. And, I even posted a comment here and there as well.

Now, the ongoing saga of the old man who lives up the lane.

Well my amazing South American love and I had quiet the spat over something that never should have or would have happened if I did not have the tendency to jump the gun and fly off the handle in just the wrong direction. I think that we have made up, at least online, however, he still has not unblocked me on Instagram so I am no able to wish him a good morning and a good night. Plus, an occasional overly poetic and romantic little blurb about what an amazing man he is. I keep hoping and, I will wait. And, if it never happens at least we have repaired our online presence and that is something in itself very special.

I did have my two surgeries. The first was the Gastroenterology thing where they put a scope down my throat into my stomach, turned left and poked a hole in my stomach to get a biopsy of my Pancreas. And, I was later informed, on their way out they took 7 additional biopsies of my esophagus. The results were supposed to be available last Friday but, of course, no phone calls and nothing posted on any of their portals. And Monday is a holiday so the earliest I can hope for results is Tuesday. Of course I have painted myself into a corner of doom, gloom and impending death.

My second surgery was the Urology one where they put a scope up your penis into your Prostate and Bladder to see if there is anything they can do to correct my BPH. And yes, there is a laser procedure that they can do to burn off the swollen tissue inside my Prostate. However, my A1C is 9.3 and they will not do the procedure when it is that high. Now, remember that I am getting steroid injections into my cervical spine to deal with really serious pain. And guess what. Steroids cause your A1C to spike. So I now have to decide if I forgo the shots to get me A1C down so they can do the procedure while I suffer the most awful pain. Or, to I just say the hell with the procedure and continue getting the injections? I have an appointment Friday to get my next shot and before that I will ask the doctor if there is a non-steroidal solution. I have heard of some sort of patch but do not know anything about it and it may actually be a steroid patch of some kind. And other than that the solution will probably be an extra strength something that will eventually eat a hole in my stomach and none of this will matter anyway.

Growing old and paying the price of a youth spent with drugs, sex and rock and roll is a bitch.

On a happier note for the first time in months I actually had a little left after everything was paid. Not much but more than before. And, I am just a few more months from finally being debt free once again. That is no longer just a dream but a real honest to goodness goal.

I am upset with my church and the way they are approaching the entire older Queer issue. They are taking the approach of "there is an inclusive and loving church" that is here for you without even addressing the fact that so many older Queer folk, and young ones also, have been so burned and traumatized by corporate Christianity that the simple mention of the involvement of religion will just drive them deeper into the disappearing closet. So, I have stopped going and am trying to, with the help of a professional care give that works here, develop something apart from the church.

And that is about all this old fart has to share for today. I promise to be more attentive with my postings in the future. Sorry for the absence. And, have a great Sunday all, yesterday was Football Saturday, my Longhorns won and that made me happier. Now lets see what is on tap for today. 

Much love to you all with all sorts of hugs and kisses as appropriate. And any other thing that your imagination will allow.

Until next time, I remain, the old man that lives up the lane.

 I admit that I am completely smitten by my South American gentleman. He is handsome to the point of being beautiful. He has the most seductive eyes ever placed in a human head. And, beyond all that he is a kind and compassionate soul. I believe him without question when he says that I am special to him, that I brighten his days the way he does mine. Yes, I am a romantic and my dreams keep me going when all else seems to have left me. We have moved from that simple comment stage to actually having conversations with substance. And, while we will probably never actually meet face to face I have the dream that if and when we do he will not be surprised at the site of this old man who uses a cane most of the time for balance, shaves his head and is on the precipice of loving someone with a love that can never exist in this world.

I had that great love once with My Robert, and still have it in my heart and soul. And it is pretty unlikely that the universe will be so gracious as to allow me another.

But dreams can provide a unique reality. And for me dreams are all that are left I think. So, I dream and hope and someday may even write a novel about two souls drawn together by love but kept apart until one of them is finally able to come to the other only to be able to visit the grave where their love is buried. I will dedicate the novel to him in Colombian Spanish of course. And our love will have a permanence that is so often held only in our memories and, of course, our dreams.

The new insulin dosages may be working. My glucose numbers dropped from over 400 to 90 in less than 24 hours and seem to be stabilizing to a more normal range for a person my age. It is still too early to predict but my hope grows.

It is interesting how dreams and hope and slowly walking into some unknown future are suddenly so much a part of who I am. And my past is so much a guiding part of what my future may hold.

I miss My Robert so much that when I think of him or look at his picture hanging on the wall my chest tightens in its resistance to just bursting out in tears. I live with my very best friend and only real love, Timmy my dog, who if something were to happen to I seriously doubt that I would have the will to go on alone. And yet I continue to hold on to those dreams of a life that, in reality, can never exist.

So this pathetically sad and lonely old man wishes only the best that life can offer to all of you who I also will never meet but have developed a true and honest love for. Until next time I send you all virtual hugs and only dream of being able to give you all a real hug some day.

 Well I have finally caught up on reading the blogs that I missed while on my depression sabbatical. I even posted comments on a few. I probably should comment more just to show appreciation, but don't, what can I say?

Life's roller coaster continues but I am finally getting more accustomed to the ride. Sixpence Notthewiser posted the following music video and, while I am not a big fan of country music, I love this one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=II-L8Hq0_i4

Except for the coal mine scenes it could have been made about My Robert and me. And I have watched it over and over and just sob each time. Partly for the sadness that it invokes but mostly for all the memories that are still, and will continue to be, alive in my heart.

Today is cleaning day for me. What fun this is going to be.

Oh, and my Endocrinologist has tripled my insulin dosage. My A1C was 9.3 the last check and he said if it continues to be that elevated I am facing some pretty serious issues. Plus I have to log my glucose readings four times a day and sent them to him weekly so that he can adjust my insulin accordingly.

My pancreas continues to be my worst enemy. It seems to be saying, no, I am not going to help you digest any food and sends it right through my body within an hour after eating. Not a lot of fun. But at the end of the month they will be going inside me and taking a biopsy of whatever it is that is growing on it. Wish me luck my friends. 

The day before that I have my urology exam to determine what can be done to reduce the swelling in my prostate that is causing so much trouble. One of the pamphlets that I read about procedures states that it will return you "to life as a 30 year old". Well that is the one I want. My 30's were pretty awesome and I would not be against having that fun and overall genital function back, even if only for a few more years.

And, in a sick sort of way I am looking forward to it. It has been so long since anyone touched my nether regions that just the thought of it excites me.

So, now that we have looked down my throat and in my pants I will leave you to your days. 

 Good morning to you all. I certainly hope that you weather is better than the heat we have been having here. Yesterday it hit 113 and they are saying expect 118 to 120 by Sunday. But the roller coaster of life seems to be slowing and I hope to be able to get off the damn thing soon.

I went to the manager of our little home and we spoke about about my feeling alone and lonely even with, and maybe because of, being surrounded by other residents who were very conservative and in so many ways bigoted in the "christian" love that is so obvious and judgmental that I stay away from most of them. And I asked that they focus on getting other Gay elders as residents so that I would not feel so alone and that I would have others here that I could talk with and do as so many older people do, just walk down memory lane and recall "the good old days" without fear of judgement that causes so much pain in our community.

She was very supportive and has committed to doing so to the point of offering to do presentations on Independent Living at the little Gay church I sometimes go to.

I then contacted two of the ministers there last night, spoke with them, and while they do not know many individuals that might be interested, they (and I) are going to do an entire month of sermons dealing with how the elderly in our community are not just forgotten but actually just seem to disappear after a certain age.

So some progress is being made here at The Home.

I don't recall if I told you all my iPhone did its latest upgrade and required a password to restart. It is a password that I entered months ago when I first got the damn thing and there is no way I recall it. After several attempts it required a complete reset which destroyed all my content, my photos, everything that was stored on the device and when restarted it would only be a phone. No texting, limited camera function. Enough limitations that I am trying to sell it and have returned to an Android device made by Motorola.

I was able to keep my same phone number but I, who have never been a big fan of Apple and their products, am now back to being one of their most vocal critics.

So life continues to change, for the better I hope. I would love nothing more than to be able to sit in the shade with someone recalling the good old day and maybe having someone to give a hug to at the end of the day. Not in an intimate sort of way, just a friendly non-judgmental hug between friends. And finally to not feel so alone in my life. I talk with My Robert's picture and my loving little Timmy about how I feel frequently and they continue to love me in spite of all my emotional garbage.

Have a great day today everyone.

 Let me clarify something. In the previous post it sounds like I am down on handsome South American men and that is far from the truth. I am responsible for the actions I may have taken that had ended me in this financial pickle. But I also have online relationships with a South American who has never mentioned money and seems to really value my company. He is handsome beyond belief, is absolutely perfect in every respect and pays attention to what I say and how I feel. I admit that I am pretty smitten by him but who could not be with such a beautiful and pleasant man?

So, while there have been some who's primary motivation seems to have been how much they could con me out of, and did so successfully, there is at least one who is such a gentleman that he is almost mythological in his presence.

Now as for this day, I am being picked up by the retired minister of the Gay church I used to go to and that will, if nothing else, be a nice outing where I will be able to see people I like who I have not seen in too long a time. Then I will rush home in hopes of catching my wonderful man online for at least the last few minutes he will be working.

Have a great Sunday everyone.

 Good morning everyone. I have been riding that roller coaster called life and it is finely slowing down enough that I can jump off. Now I begin the process of reading all the blogs I have been reading in the past and return to posting here about what it is like being me, living my life, my loves or lack of that magical thing.

There is no excuse for my behavior and I am sorry to have been absent for such a time without at least saying hello, how are you. All that human contact sort of stuff. I did have a difficult time connecting just now. Remember that hack I had a while back where I had to rebuild my computer from the ground up? Well when I did all my Google credentials I used a different email address and it thought I wanted to create a new blog. Lord, one is enough for me to try to keep up with. Finally I realized that my profile picture on the long on screen was for the new address. I made the change and here I am in living color and on the same channel to boot.

My life is basically unchanged. I am still alone, still living with my elders, still the wonderful, available, sometimes lonely old man I was before. Except for my health.

Turns out that my heart is not pumping hard enough for my legs, feet and arms to get the amount of blood they need. Test are being done, needles are being poked and I am playing doctor with some of the most attractive doctors around. What a joy.

And, turns out I have Acute Pancreatitis which is no fun. At the end of the month I will have a EGD where they will go down my throat into my stomach, poke a hole in my stomach wall and clip off a sample of something that is growing on my pancreas that sends out signals when I eat that it is not going to cooperate. So when I eat or even drink water I have extreme pain in my left side that radiates up my back and down to my left kidney. Not fun either because when you pancreas does not help you do not fully digest your food and...TMI alert...when you poop actual food is part of the process. Not fun I tell you.

Then, I finally got to see an Endocrinologist for my Diabetes which went out of control and my blood glucose shot up to almost 800...they tell me they almost lost me but I guess the universe is just not finished tormenting me so I am still here. So now I am on insulin injections twice a day. Oh, and the Endocrinologist is the man of my dreams. And I am pretty sure he is gay. It is a good thing that he is not the one doing the next test I will tell you about. If he was I am pretty sure I would embarrass myself in front of a procedure suite full of nurses and doctors and assorted support employees.  

So what is that procedure. Well there is this thing that old men sometimes have where our Prostate (yes that little lump right inside your ass that contributes greatly to the pleasure that many of us have experienced during sex) anyway, where your Prostate grows excess tissue inside itself causing it to swell, especially at night, and choaks off the urethra making it difficult for your bladder to do its job and causing many hours of interrupted sleep. It is called BPH. So, they will be putting a camera with cutting capabilities inside Mr. Wiggly all the way into the prostate, take pictures and cut samples to test and make sure Mr. Cancer is not doing his dirty work. If all those test show that my prostate is o.k. and just a normal prostate exceeding its functions they will do the same process over again 9 times putting water that turns into hot steam melting out parts of the swollen tissue with the hopes that after Mr. Wiggly has such a good and kinky time, will function like I was when I was 30 years old. The procedure is called Rezume, look it up and just imagine what fun it is going to be for me. Oh, and the Urologist who is going to do this procedure is an adorable ginger hottie who is married with 4 children but that does not mean that Mr. Wiggly will not rise to the occasion and salute him.

So, in a nutshell, that is at least part of what has caused my absence here. That and several broken hearts when I have had to cut the strings tying me to a few absolutely beautiful and well hung South American online sex workers. Boy am I a sick person or what. Or am I just so lonely that I will fall in love with any man that smiles at me on the street. Let me tell you that virtual love, virtual sex, and virtual relationships are not all they are cracked up to be. And they tend to leave you empty and in debt. Yes I not only sent them stimulating tips online but actually used PayPal to send money.

The lesson here is to not be alone when you are old. You can become your own worst enemy.

Now, farewell for now. But I am back and will, of course keep you informed of my progress through the above and the future trials and tribulations of the old man that lives up the road

 Just a notice if anyone is interested. I will be deleting the Fairy Tale at the end of the week. It is too long and it now bores me. So that is that.

 

 A FAIRY TALE – A Story of Undetermined Length – Part The Last

Now my children we will finish our tale. You all know our history, how we began as simple, almost animal like, creatures and how over the centuries we became what we even remain to be today. There were good times and bad times over those centuries. There were times of horror, times when we came close to destroying our home and ourselves. But there were also good times. Times of great joy and love and compassion between most of our kind.

Sadly, even in the best of times. there were those who's quest for power and control over all things was strong. As those of us who really believed that what was good and had been fought so hard to achieve could never be undone there was an undercurrent that was in all ways was an evil force that wanted only to control. That group of our kind grew in power and many followed them blindly believing that their way would be shared and that they also would have power and wealth.

As time passed they created great industries that produced those things we had been convinced that we could not live without. And we were all lulled into a dream like existence where things took precedence over just simply living and loving and caring for one another. And those industries brought great wealth to the few that developed them. Many of them had started as some simple effort that grew out of control. The more wealth they accumulated the more power they had. And the more power they had the more power they wanted. So those industries grew and with their growth came all the problems that we have learned now to avoid. Problems that polluted our world, our air, our water. Problems that progressively made our world not a place to live but only a place to try to survive.

Changes came over our world. As populations grew to support those industries we found that our community of beings had exceeded our ability to feed and care for every being. We found that our world had become so changed by what had been seen as progress that our world was becoming damaged beyond repair. Our days became hotter and the heat stayed throughout the nights. What little water there was and that had been shared before was now only safe to drink if chemicals were added to it. And, the impact on the health of all beings was great.

Finally, as some of us began to see that the changes were not reversible we began to look out to the stars in hopes of finding a new home where we could return to the simple lives we had lived so long ago. Most of the other beings called us deluded and foolish to believe that our world was now dying. But we continued and did manage to find a few places where we could live and thrive. Places like the one we now call Utopiana.

And so, with the aid of some who had accumulated great wealth and power but who saw what was happening, we developed great ships that could lift us to the stars and beyond.

Our time, we knew, was growing short but we managed to gather together and moved our selves and the things we knew we would need to build a new home into those great ships and on a day where people were being overcome by heat, where entire lands were being consumed by the melted cones of our once great world that helped provide the temperate climates we had thrived in, we boarded those ships and began our journey into an unknown but very hopeful future for all our kind.

As the days passed and we drew further from our once great home we were able to look back and watch as suddenly the atmosphere of that place seemed to begin to glow as if a great fire was raging. And, suddenly, that atmosphere seemed to collapse down upon our once great world and that world burst into a flame that could be seen for light years as our old home became nothing more that a cinder of dust and rock. Became another of those bodies adrift in space with no life and no ability to ever support life again. The tragedy that happened that day, the billions of lives that had chosen to stay behind only to be turned to the cosmic dust that they had originally been created from simply because they had believed that great wealth and power could solve any problem when those same problems had been created by that wealth and power...all was gone in what seemed only to be moments.

And that, my children, is what we call The End Of Times.

Now, you all know from your classes and the stories you have been told by your parents and grandparents, what happened next. How we finally arrived here and established the varied communities that all work together to provide for the whole and not only the few. How we established groups, led by our elders but welcoming the ideas of our youth, that would bring about the society we have today. A society where all are welcome, where the many openly embrace the few, where no being is an outcast made to feel they do not belong and all have an important place in the development of our society. And, most important, a place where there is no greed or need for power because all is shared by the entire community, all beings work at a skill that they enjoy and get pleasure from. We have growers and people who make the things we need. All is shared equally by all. There is not a need for wealth because we are all wealthy in that we have no needs that are not addressed by the companionship and compassion of our fellows.

And so, thus ends our Fairy Tale. A tale based our our history and our future. Be happy in these times of great joy and learn how easily that joy can be corrupted into something deadly. Be vigilant in your efforts to continue our communities. And most important, more so than anything else you may ever learn, be happy and at peace.

Now go to your homes and to those you call family. Embrace them and let them know that they are an important part of everything that is good in your lives.

A note about the writer: he is a 75 year old man who has lived through much of what this story is about. However, he is always an optimist about where humanity can go. The key being that they will only manage to overcome much of what has transpired over the past decade or so if they return to that point where love prevailed and build forward from there. He is, and was born, a Gay man who embraces all that is Queer. He was a liberal Democrat from day one and admits to having a strong socialist philosophy in the purest sense of what it means to be a socialist.

Sorry but there will be no update to our Fairy Tale today. My primary computer has been hacked and I am having to rebuild it from the ground up. Right now I am reinstalling its brain which will be followed by reattaching its little arms and legs (apps). This will probably take most of the day but it is hot outside and the AC is cool inside. So at least I will not suffer. I hope to be able to post the next chapter tomorrow.

 A FAIRY TALE – A Story of Undetermined Length – Part The First

Greetings children. Today you spent your time doing those things that interest you, the things that bring you happiness and a sense of fulfillment. And your activities produced works that can be freely shared throughout our community. Some of you planted seeds and tended gardens. Not because you were told to or forced to but because you find great pleasure in being outdoors and seeing things grow. And, the result of your efforts produce much of the food that we share at our meals whether in the community dining halls, with your families in your homes or individually sitting on a rock in the sunshine and eating a thing that exists because of your efforts.

Many of you spent your day weaving fabrics that others assembled into clothing while even others tended shops where those items were given to others to wear as both a protection and as adornment. Yes, there are those within our community that have made the decision that clothing is not a thing in which they have an interest. And, who choose to be naked as they were made. And yet, they also take great joy in growing and producing these items for distribution in our shops even tho they themselves do not make use of them.

Others of you spent the day with your mothers and fathers and grandparents in the Great Hall discussing how we can continue to be the community that we have become. Making those suggestions that continue and improve the way that we can protect our ways and still grow and embrace the ideas and desires of all those that make up our community.

In the old days there were also many who, like us, wanted only to live together, love one another and provide for one another in these ways. Yet, in those times, they were often seen as odd or not normal. They were often cast aside, ignored and even punished for the very desires that have, over the centuries, made our kind great. Those who wanted to define and control the essence of every being, to shape us into some sort of uniform group with like ideas and like behaviors, labeled those people as weird, perverted, odd and dangerous. They wanted our world to be all the same. They wanted everyone to think alike, to all be the same color and to protect their ideas with weapons that would intimidate and even kill those who dared to not follow their narrow path.

Their leaders were those with the great wealth and those business' who sought to control the entire world of communities by offering gifts and large sums of money to the ones in what was their Great Hall who, instead of discussing together the ways they could help our communities thrive, would sit in judgment of those who were different and pass into existence things called laws and rules that all the peoples of our world had to either willingly comply with or be forced into compliance at risk sometimes to their very lives.

And, those people who, like us today, wanted only to live in a world defined by good deeds and love and compassion for one another were seen as enemies who wanted the world to be something that they called a Utopia. That is why, with everything that has happened over these past decades and even centuries, we have chosen to honor that past and call our new world, this community Utopiana. To honor those who managed to finally escape before the Great Burning.

Now the hour grows late again. So go to those that you define as your family, give them the love that we all share in common and we will continue tomorrow with what is called The End Of Times.

 A FAIRY TALE – An Introduction and A Beginning

Gather around children. I am going to tell you our history. How we came to be here, what happened, and why it is so important to learn these things. This story will be told as a sort of fairy tale, a collections of myths. And, like all myths, there are hidden truths. Truths to be discovered and learned and, perhaps, truths that will make our future as bright as it was once long ago.

Like all fairy tales I must begin with...

Once upon a time. A time long, long, ago. A time when we lived and danced and sang our songs of truth and love. A time when, after so many years of turmoil, our greatest of grandfathers had brought about a great and wonderful life for most of our people.

There were still, in those days, brothers and sisters that were in want and for who life was difficult. But, it was also a time when these trials were being addressed and gradual progress was being made to assist those in need.

A time so long ago that many have forgotten all except the most foggy of memories of those days and that place. That place that our grandfathers and grandmothers had grown on over decades and even centuries to become a once great people. Had grown from almost animal like beings to what we even are today. But it was a time so long ago that only our eldest recall it. Most of you are so young that you only know of it as tales and stories told to you at bedtime to help you fall into a quiet and restful sleep unbothered by need or fear.

But it was a place where, without regard to its greatness, there were those who sought fame and power and wealth beyond their individual needs and tried to mold our world into something that fit their ideas and yet always was intended to only increase their fame and power and wealth at the cost of our very existence.

Those few were able to persuade many that their ways and ideas were the path to follow instead of the path we had set out on so many decades before and that the old ways were wrong thought and must be changed to fit their ways and ideas even though it eventually led to a world consumed with hate and fear.

A world that, while memories of its old greatness began to drift back into a dusty memory, became a place where those that numbered in the few were cast as evil and that they must be overcome by those who numbered in the many.

Only later did we all learn that it was only a few that, with their great power, were able to influence crowds to do unthinkable things to what were actually the many but diverse elements of our community.

Diverse in such ways that they were not able to join together as a single and more powerful group that could have overcome the influence of those few and very powerful ones who sought only to increase their power.

Those few with great power and wealth sought only to change our world into something it could never be because they were actually a minority who sought to destroy that and those who did not fit their very narrow and evil view. And, in doing so, brought about changes in our people and our world that could not be reversed. Changes that saw great and unspeakable things done to so many of our people, a people who only wanted to share in the dream that once was great among us.

Changes that brought about the Great Burning and led us to this place and these times when we are a community scattered across the universe with some of us trying to recover those times when we had love and compassion for one another.

But now my children, it is time for rest and sleep. Tomorrow we shall continue our history. Tomorrow we shall begin at the beginning.