I admit that I am completely smitten by my South American gentleman. He is handsome to the point of being beautiful. He has the most seductive eyes ever placed in a human head. And, beyond all that he is a kind and compassionate soul. I believe him without question when he says that I am special to him, that I brighten his days the way he does mine. Yes, I am a romantic and my dreams keep me going when all else seems to have left me. We have moved from that simple comment stage to actually having conversations with substance. And, while we will probably never actually meet face to face I have the dream that if and when we do he will not be surprised at the site of this old man who uses a cane most of the time for balance, shaves his head and is on the precipice of loving someone with a love that can never exist in this world.

I had that great love once with My Robert, and still have it in my heart and soul. And it is pretty unlikely that the universe will be so gracious as to allow me another.

But dreams can provide a unique reality. And for me dreams are all that are left I think. So, I dream and hope and someday may even write a novel about two souls drawn together by love but kept apart until one of them is finally able to come to the other only to be able to visit the grave where their love is buried. I will dedicate the novel to him in Colombian Spanish of course. And our love will have a permanence that is so often held only in our memories and, of course, our dreams.

The new insulin dosages may be working. My glucose numbers dropped from over 400 to 90 in less than 24 hours and seem to be stabilizing to a more normal range for a person my age. It is still too early to predict but my hope grows.

It is interesting how dreams and hope and slowly walking into some unknown future are suddenly so much a part of who I am. And my past is so much a guiding part of what my future may hold.

I miss My Robert so much that when I think of him or look at his picture hanging on the wall my chest tightens in its resistance to just bursting out in tears. I live with my very best friend and only real love, Timmy my dog, who if something were to happen to I seriously doubt that I would have the will to go on alone. And yet I continue to hold on to those dreams of a life that, in reality, can never exist.

So this pathetically sad and lonely old man wishes only the best that life can offer to all of you who I also will never meet but have developed a true and honest love for. Until next time I send you all virtual hugs and only dream of being able to give you all a real hug some day.

 Well I have finally caught up on reading the blogs that I missed while on my depression sabbatical. I even posted comments on a few. I probably should comment more just to show appreciation, but don't, what can I say?

Life's roller coaster continues but I am finally getting more accustomed to the ride. Sixpence Notthewiser posted the following music video and, while I am not a big fan of country music, I love this one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=II-L8Hq0_i4

Except for the coal mine scenes it could have been made about My Robert and me. And I have watched it over and over and just sob each time. Partly for the sadness that it invokes but mostly for all the memories that are still, and will continue to be, alive in my heart.

Today is cleaning day for me. What fun this is going to be.

Oh, and my Endocrinologist has tripled my insulin dosage. My A1C was 9.3 the last check and he said if it continues to be that elevated I am facing some pretty serious issues. Plus I have to log my glucose readings four times a day and sent them to him weekly so that he can adjust my insulin accordingly.

My pancreas continues to be my worst enemy. It seems to be saying, no, I am not going to help you digest any food and sends it right through my body within an hour after eating. Not a lot of fun. But at the end of the month they will be going inside me and taking a biopsy of whatever it is that is growing on it. Wish me luck my friends. 

The day before that I have my urology exam to determine what can be done to reduce the swelling in my prostate that is causing so much trouble. One of the pamphlets that I read about procedures states that it will return you "to life as a 30 year old". Well that is the one I want. My 30's were pretty awesome and I would not be against having that fun and overall genital function back, even if only for a few more years.

And, in a sick sort of way I am looking forward to it. It has been so long since anyone touched my nether regions that just the thought of it excites me.

So, now that we have looked down my throat and in my pants I will leave you to your days. 

 Good morning to you all. I certainly hope that you weather is better than the heat we have been having here. Yesterday it hit 113 and they are saying expect 118 to 120 by Sunday. But the roller coaster of life seems to be slowing and I hope to be able to get off the damn thing soon.

I went to the manager of our little home and we spoke about about my feeling alone and lonely even with, and maybe because of, being surrounded by other residents who were very conservative and in so many ways bigoted in the "christian" love that is so obvious and judgmental that I stay away from most of them. And I asked that they focus on getting other Gay elders as residents so that I would not feel so alone and that I would have others here that I could talk with and do as so many older people do, just walk down memory lane and recall "the good old days" without fear of judgement that causes so much pain in our community.

She was very supportive and has committed to doing so to the point of offering to do presentations on Independent Living at the little Gay church I sometimes go to.

I then contacted two of the ministers there last night, spoke with them, and while they do not know many individuals that might be interested, they (and I) are going to do an entire month of sermons dealing with how the elderly in our community are not just forgotten but actually just seem to disappear after a certain age.

So some progress is being made here at The Home.

I don't recall if I told you all my iPhone did its latest upgrade and required a password to restart. It is a password that I entered months ago when I first got the damn thing and there is no way I recall it. After several attempts it required a complete reset which destroyed all my content, my photos, everything that was stored on the device and when restarted it would only be a phone. No texting, limited camera function. Enough limitations that I am trying to sell it and have returned to an Android device made by Motorola.

I was able to keep my same phone number but I, who have never been a big fan of Apple and their products, am now back to being one of their most vocal critics.

So life continues to change, for the better I hope. I would love nothing more than to be able to sit in the shade with someone recalling the good old day and maybe having someone to give a hug to at the end of the day. Not in an intimate sort of way, just a friendly non-judgmental hug between friends. And finally to not feel so alone in my life. I talk with My Robert's picture and my loving little Timmy about how I feel frequently and they continue to love me in spite of all my emotional garbage.

Have a great day today everyone.

 Let me clarify something. In the previous post it sounds like I am down on handsome South American men and that is far from the truth. I am responsible for the actions I may have taken that had ended me in this financial pickle. But I also have online relationships with a South American who has never mentioned money and seems to really value my company. He is handsome beyond belief, is absolutely perfect in every respect and pays attention to what I say and how I feel. I admit that I am pretty smitten by him but who could not be with such a beautiful and pleasant man?

So, while there have been some who's primary motivation seems to have been how much they could con me out of, and did so successfully, there is at least one who is such a gentleman that he is almost mythological in his presence.

Now as for this day, I am being picked up by the retired minister of the Gay church I used to go to and that will, if nothing else, be a nice outing where I will be able to see people I like who I have not seen in too long a time. Then I will rush home in hopes of catching my wonderful man online for at least the last few minutes he will be working.

Have a great Sunday everyone.

 Good morning everyone. I have been riding that roller coaster called life and it is finely slowing down enough that I can jump off. Now I begin the process of reading all the blogs I have been reading in the past and return to posting here about what it is like being me, living my life, my loves or lack of that magical thing.

There is no excuse for my behavior and I am sorry to have been absent for such a time without at least saying hello, how are you. All that human contact sort of stuff. I did have a difficult time connecting just now. Remember that hack I had a while back where I had to rebuild my computer from the ground up? Well when I did all my Google credentials I used a different email address and it thought I wanted to create a new blog. Lord, one is enough for me to try to keep up with. Finally I realized that my profile picture on the long on screen was for the new address. I made the change and here I am in living color and on the same channel to boot.

My life is basically unchanged. I am still alone, still living with my elders, still the wonderful, available, sometimes lonely old man I was before. Except for my health.

Turns out that my heart is not pumping hard enough for my legs, feet and arms to get the amount of blood they need. Test are being done, needles are being poked and I am playing doctor with some of the most attractive doctors around. What a joy.

And, turns out I have Acute Pancreatitis which is no fun. At the end of the month I will have a EGD where they will go down my throat into my stomach, poke a hole in my stomach wall and clip off a sample of something that is growing on my pancreas that sends out signals when I eat that it is not going to cooperate. So when I eat or even drink water I have extreme pain in my left side that radiates up my back and down to my left kidney. Not fun either because when you pancreas does not help you do not fully digest your food and...TMI alert...when you poop actual food is part of the process. Not fun I tell you.

Then, I finally got to see an Endocrinologist for my Diabetes which went out of control and my blood glucose shot up to almost 800...they tell me they almost lost me but I guess the universe is just not finished tormenting me so I am still here. So now I am on insulin injections twice a day. Oh, and the Endocrinologist is the man of my dreams. And I am pretty sure he is gay. It is a good thing that he is not the one doing the next test I will tell you about. If he was I am pretty sure I would embarrass myself in front of a procedure suite full of nurses and doctors and assorted support employees.  

So what is that procedure. Well there is this thing that old men sometimes have where our Prostate (yes that little lump right inside your ass that contributes greatly to the pleasure that many of us have experienced during sex) anyway, where your Prostate grows excess tissue inside itself causing it to swell, especially at night, and choaks off the urethra making it difficult for your bladder to do its job and causing many hours of interrupted sleep. It is called BPH. So, they will be putting a camera with cutting capabilities inside Mr. Wiggly all the way into the prostate, take pictures and cut samples to test and make sure Mr. Cancer is not doing his dirty work. If all those test show that my prostate is o.k. and just a normal prostate exceeding its functions they will do the same process over again 9 times putting water that turns into hot steam melting out parts of the swollen tissue with the hopes that after Mr. Wiggly has such a good and kinky time, will function like I was when I was 30 years old. The procedure is called Rezume, look it up and just imagine what fun it is going to be for me. Oh, and the Urologist who is going to do this procedure is an adorable ginger hottie who is married with 4 children but that does not mean that Mr. Wiggly will not rise to the occasion and salute him.

So, in a nutshell, that is at least part of what has caused my absence here. That and several broken hearts when I have had to cut the strings tying me to a few absolutely beautiful and well hung South American online sex workers. Boy am I a sick person or what. Or am I just so lonely that I will fall in love with any man that smiles at me on the street. Let me tell you that virtual love, virtual sex, and virtual relationships are not all they are cracked up to be. And they tend to leave you empty and in debt. Yes I not only sent them stimulating tips online but actually used PayPal to send money.

The lesson here is to not be alone when you are old. You can become your own worst enemy.

Now, farewell for now. But I am back and will, of course keep you informed of my progress through the above and the future trials and tribulations of the old man that lives up the road