I had my MRI on my sholder this a.m. It was the most god awful thing I have ever been through. First I had to lay on my back which is painful since I am not able to lay my head back without a lot of pain in my neck and sholder. Then they position my arm in the most painful position possible. Then they slide me into that hellish dounut thing with all the loud noise for 20 minutes. At this point I only hope, as strange as it may sound, that they find something that they can fix and at least make the pain less if not fix me altogether.

Now a bit of clarification about yesterdays post. Some people have emailed me with concerns and outright accusations that I was doing something criminal to older Gay men. First I do not know if any of them were actually Gay. They may have been bi, many of them wore wedding rings. I do recall one time when I was with an older man, probably about the age I am right now, and he was Gay. We actually had a nice conversation and when all was done he actually cried and thanked me. I refused to take any money from him. Our so called community is not famous for its respect, concern or interest in us old farts after all.

Some people expressed concern that I was spreading disease. Years ago, when the big H first raised it head and seemed to be focused on Gay men I participated in a study done by Los Angeles County and the UCLA Medical Center and was found to have some genetic thing called CCR5-D32 which means that the HIV virus was not able to attach to my T4 cells. It did not mean that I was immune, only that I could not be infected. That the virus could get into my body and just lay there dormant. I could not pass it to anyone else and I could not get sick from it. Also, anyone who did the work that I was doing, if they had a brain at all, got tested regularly and responded appropriately to the results of those test.

This is not meant in any way as a defense or justification of what I was doing. And, I carry no shame or guilt or regret for any of my behavior. I provided something to people who wanted what I had, who had no other option in those days and I never left a dissatisfied customer. Yes I sometimes took money from them but only when they were in a position to make it available. If you were a business man staying in a 200 dollar a night suite in those days in a top hotel I figured they were probably on an expense account and it was not their money to begin with. Rationalization, yes, but probably more true than not.

At this same time I was going out with people, both male and female, that involved dinner, perhaps the theatre and bumping uglies where the evening was the fee paid. No cash was involved.

There were times when someone recognizable would pick me up, money was negotiated and agreed on up front always. Several of those "customers" became regulars. They shall go unnamed out of respect for them, their families and just plain common decency. I remember one very handsome man (an actor) who picked me up at Venice Beach. He drove a beautiful white Rolls convertible with tan leather interior. He was exciting to be with, did not hide the fact that he was taking me out in public and enjoyed my company enough that he often would call and send a car to pick me up for a weekend at his beach house. And, there were often just someone who found me attractive and that I found attractive (in all regards not just physical) and I would go with them...again pro bono sex.

I may have been a tramp. But I was a nice tramp with good taste that could carry on a conversation.

Times changes as the years passed. People began to react to me and those like me in ways that made many of us begin to consider two things. One, that we were not getting any younger and, two, that we also wanted more out of life.

So I am going to stop now. I will write more tomorrow.