Well we live and we learn. For example this morning I was re-reading some of Old Lurker's blog and noticed that Notthewiser is "stunningly attractive". Nice to know that at least one of my readers/friends is in that catagory. 

Why was I re-reading Old Lurker's blog. Because I like the way he writes and expresses himself. If you have not partaken in it you should. I only wish that he, and several others I read regularly, would write more. Of course, with Lurkie I have occassional comments here that amuse, entertain and inform. So there is that at least.

Of course I probably just write way too much myself. But I never knew when or how to just keep quiet. And, being as opinionated as I can be I seem to always have something to say. Usually I just say it in the quiet and emptiness of my mind. But, do now and then let some of it bubble over into the public eye.

Today is supposed to be in the low 80's and windy. They have issued a "red alert" for fires beginning on Thursday. We had more than our share of that last year and are not looking forward to a repeat. But, at least I am looking forward to the nicer weather that in in the forecast. Once things warm up my arthritis seems to calm down.

So I wish all my stunningly attractive and highly intellegent readers all the best. Hope for nice weather and good times for you all. Virtual love, hugs and all such to you each.

 Well for the past couple of days I have been in a sort of melancholy blue funk. Wish we could all get together and just sit around in the sun and commiserate with one another. Of course it would have to be here where things are getting warmer. Some of you live in areas that are so cold my testicles and tonsils would be hugging one another to get warm.

However, it is sort of grey and overcast here, no rain in the forcast but expecting nasty West Texas winds this afternoon and evening.

Sadly that is about all I have to say today. I do think I need to put some more upbeat music on. Introspective Day by Dmytro Startsey is a bit too calm for this day. Makes me just want to go to sleep.

Just dawned on me. I don't know most of your names. Besides Jimmy and Bob you are all just mysteries to me. So, fess up unless you are maintaining your anonymity for legal reasons.

Later my friends.

 Well the weather has stayed in the 30's today with wind chills in the 20's. Texas weather be like...

 Yesterday was in the 70's. Today started out at 36 degrees and will maybe reach 39 with nasty chill factors. But, by Sunday we will be back in the 80's. Texas weather be like speeding while driving, seeing a police car up ahead, slowing down and then speeding back up when you get past the police.

I have nothing on my calendar for the rest of the month so I am just going to putter about. Maybe do a little cleaning, some laundry (the never ending battle) and read and watch movies. Such is the life of an old man in "the home".

I remain amazed at how the CBD controls my pain at a level where it is more an ache that annoys than it is a "just cut off the arm" pain. I ordered another bottle of the tincture this a.m. This time in mint flavor and twice the strength of the first one. Sort of the if 900 mg of CBD works then 1350 mg should work better. It is 100% THC free (Broad Spectrum) so there is very little chance that it could show up in a drug test and I really don't care if it does. The medical community has really fallen down on this one.

My new pain doctor (who looks to be maybe 18 years old but has over 40 years experience) will, depending on the outcome of the MRI on my neck, inject steroids into my spine between C6 and C7 and if that does not work they will either do surgery or some procedure where they actually burn the nerves so they can no long transmit pain. Neither of the last two options appeal to me so I am hoping they will just do the injections and it will work. Of course I will then have to continue the injections every six months to a year for the rest of my life...which could be anywhere from an additional 30 minutes to another 30 years.

I am hoping for something in between. I would like a little more than 30 minutes of life but don't really look forward to another 30 years of this shit since my last surviving relatives are already in their 80's and that would mean that I would be alone for the remainder of my life.

I will take what I get though. Death is not something that frightens me so long as it is not painful or by fire, which would probably be pretty painful. I do, after all, have an aortic aneurysm which could rupture and trake me out in a matter of seconds. Just a pinch and bleed out internally. I don't have any idea what comes after all this. It could be the passage of the "soul" into some highly polished glowing heaven (lots of chrome and gold) or it could just be some sort of return of my cosmic dust to the universe. In either case I believe I will be rejoined with those I have loved and who have loved me even though I will not have any conscience knowledge of that rejoining if it does happen.

But, the science says that while everything can be destroyed except energy then the energy will continue...maybe move into another form (reincarnation) which might be nice depending on what I would come back as. Coming back as water, a part of some massive ocean, might be nice. But I think I would really enjoy coming back as someones loved and very spoiled dog.

 O.K. for all those who pointed out that my birth notice listed my father as W. N. Casey and that know me as Jon Newman...an explanation for clarification.

Many years ago my father and I had a falling out. I won't divulge the reasons but we did not speak for many years. In my anger, in my late teens, I filed the paperwork to change my name legally. But something in me could not completely let go of who I was. So his and my middle name became my last name. So Larry Newman Casey, the son of Wester Newman Casey, gave way to Jon Newman. 

Late in my father's life we were able to reconcile and make our amends to one another. But by that time I had been the me I had chosen to be for more years than I was the me I was born as.

So, there you have it. In the proverbial nutshell.

As of today I have had to change my dental appointment to next month due to confusion with the shuttle here that would take me there. Yesterday I went to my foot doctor appointment and waited almost two hours only to be informed that he had been called into emergency surgery and all apointments would need to be reschedued. But, today I did get into the appointment with the pain management people and have to say that I am hopeful. It will take some time and will involve another MRI this time on my neck. But there does finally seem to be some light at the end of the tunnel.

Now I am looking forward to having nothing on my calendar for the rest of the month.

 So today is supposed to top out at 90 degrees. And, it is still Feb. 

We will start today with a new art piece which I titled Old Man With Beard...

And there you have it. The beard. I think this is the length I will leave it. I was going to go for longer but was afraid I would get it caught in the zipper of my shirt if I did.

Today is a do nothing day for me. I had to change my dentist appointment to next month due to some confusion with the shuttle and the fact that for some reason I though that yesterday was today. Nothing like getting ahead of ones self.

Last night I finished streaming season one of Carnival Row on Prime. Actually pretty good and it held my attention, got me interested in the characters and was just plain entertaining. Today I may start season two (the final season) but reviews are not as good as for season one so that may not hold. I am funny that way. If the production company seems more interested in making money and scoring high in the ratings than they do the quality of the show and the performances I tend to have little interest and just stop watching. I did that with Watcher and most recently with The Mayfair Witches. However, if I really like a show I will actually just buy it so I can watch it over and over.

Got some interesting comments on yesterdays posting. I may try to clarify some of that later. For now though, have a great day.

 What a morning it has been here. Started off with me thinking that it was Tuesday and getting all ready for my dentist appointment. Then there was confusion with the shuttle that takes me to and from my apointments so I had to call and change my dentist appointment to March 15th. Then I was late going up to take Tyger out for his walk. But things are calming down nicely and I can start to breath.

The weather here today is supposed to hit the 80's with more of the same for tomorrow. Sounds like a good day for an afternoon walk. Also, I need to walk over to Dollar General and get some light bulbs.

I have been messing around with Ancestry ever since I did my DNA with them. Yesterday I found an announcement of my birth...

 So there is actual proof that I do exist. From the Abilene Reporter News of April 22, 1948.

Then poking around I found a copy of my dads draft registration card from 1940. He was living in Los Angeles at the time and working as a carhop at Herberto's Drive Inn. It showed his place of residence as an apartment building at 668 S. Rampart in L.A. I almost passed out. That is the same place that My Robert and I lived when we moved into town from North Hollywood to be closer to my office. What a trip it would be if we actually lived in the same apartment. No way of knowing that though at this point. But that we lived in the same building as my dad...what are the odds?

Then, this morning, I was on Facebook wishing a friend a happy birthday and noticed a picture in her friends list that looked familiar. Well, turns out to be a man named Jack that I eat with three times a day. He is 97 and has lived here for 3-4 years. And he has a daughter named Amy that goes to the same church I go to.

This old world just keeps getting smaller and smaller.

 Sunday and the weather is beginning to change to something I like. Today in the low to mid 60's and tomorrow the low 80's with nice warm days most of the week. I think the really cold days may be over for the time at least.

This morning I sorted out all my medications for the week. I tend to put it off until Sunday a.m. but when I get started I actually sort of drift into a sort of Zen. I actually have a pill box that can hold an entire month at a time but why...I just spread out the Zen by doing it weekly.

This week I have my dentist appt. on Tuesday. Not looking forward to that. I don't think I have any problems but I don't want to get into why I have not seen a dentist in several years either. Then, on Wednesday it is my foot doctor. I know he is going to get on me because of the way I eat and how that impacts my Diabetes and how that, combined with the Neuropathy, cause swelling in my ankles and feet. I have started using compression socks though since I found some that are low top and not to the knees. A lot easier to get on and off. Thursday is my first visit with Pain Management. I really hate to break it to them that the medical community has pretty much failed me on that score. And, how after almost four months of no relief I finally bit the bullet and that between CBD and Arnica I am able to manage most of the pain most of the time on my own. Now if they will just listen to me and do something about the pinched nerve.

Of course, I am just the patient. What could I possible know about a pinched nerve. Well, since I can both feel and hear the vertabra in my neck pop and crunch when I turn my head and since I can not really turn my head enough to see behind me and the electric current/tingle in my shoulder and arm...well, I think my diagnosis is pretty spot on.

If you have ever had TENS treatment for muscle problems or electric stimulation for muscle development you know what I am talking about when I say electric current. Sometimes it is just in my neck and sholder and sometimes it radiates all the way down my arms to my thumb and index finger leaving my entire hand numb.

Just fix me or leave me the hell alone is my new mantra.

But, all that said, life is actually pretty good. I have food, shelter and money in the bank. I need nothing that I don't already have with the exception of someone to hug or cuddle with and at my age and in my condition that is probably a good thing.

Hope you are all moving into the nice weather like we are and that you stay healthy, happy and at peace with the magnificant you that you are.

 Just a little bit to start the day. Then my second cup of coffee, shower and get ready for anything that may happen.....

Do you suppose this area rug would confuse Timmy?

 O.K. people. Today is Random Act of Kindness Day. You know what that means. We all have to do at least one thing that brings happiness, pleasure, a smile, a lighter burden to some other person or groups of people. And, my experience has been, that if you can manage to do it without being discovered it has a much greater impact not only on the person(s) involved but on you as well.

So, give someone a flower, secretly pay for someones purchase in a line at the coffee shop or grocery store, give a little cash to a homeless person but do it quickly and just walk away unnoticed. That sort of thing. It is good for them, it is good for you and it just might move the entire universe a tiny bit toward the good and away from the bad.

Love you all.

 I have always been a big believer that in even the least expected places you can find little pearls of wisdom, objet trouve if you will. And these found objects can sometimes lead to reflection. Such is the following that I found this a.m. on some "porn" site where you least expect to find them. 

Reflect on that for a bit. We are never truely alone. There may not be others of a tangible nature around us but we are always in the company of the us that was. Perhaps, in some multi-verse sort of way, even the us that can be.

I think knowing that and accepting that memories from the past and dreams of the future are always there can be part of learning about ourselves and loving what we learn. And loving ourselves is the first and most important part of being a human being. Not just a person, but and actual living, breathing, member of the human race.

 Tax Refund check has been deposited. So, money is going to be my new security blanket.

And, the results are in on my Ancestry DNA test. I am a little more than half Scots, Welsh and Danish. With a chunk of Northwest Europe and a smidgen of English and Irish for good measure. In other words, I am about a white as white bread. There was less than 1% Greek/Mediteranian in there for spice but not enough to brag about, probably not even enough to spice the soup with.

Today it is supposed to top out at near 80 degrees but tomorrow back to the mid-40's. Welcome to Texas I suppose.

Got started early and did two loads of laundry which are now drying. Have my annual "Wellness Exam" today also. Next week I have three appointments. One with Pain Management, one with the Dentist and one with my new foot doctor. Each on their own day. Wish they could all be consolidated to one day but having to depend on the transportation provided here I have to split them up. So the entire week will be pretty well worn down by next Friday.

So, in closing, just a reminder...

 I have an apointment with a Pain Management doctor coming up. We shall see where that goes. If they still will not listen to me about how I feel it is my neck and a pinched nerve and only focus on the shoulder I may just tell them where they can put it.

And now, just something to start the day. More later...

 HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO EACH OF YOU. YOU ARE ALL VERY SPECIAL TO ME, JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT.

Now for what the holiday is about, laughter and truth...

Now do something special with and for that special person in your life. If there is not a special person then pick a stranger who is also not attached and leave them some flowers or a box of chocolates anonomously. It is a day dedicated to love after all. So, put a little love out there. It certainly can't hurt.

 Well here we are the day before Valentines Day and I still have to find just the right meme to express my love and appreciation to you all.

Today is supposed to be a not bad mid-60's but starting tonight we are under a sever wind event alert. They are saying winds in excess of 50mph so probably lots of tree limbs down and a few houses needing new roofs as a result.

My tax refund is supposed to be deposited this week. I have alread indulged myself to oblivion and back so there is noting to spend it on. Maybe a new pair of shoes. Nothing new in technology I am interested in so no new computers. All I can think of to do with it is to save it for a rainy day. But since we have so few rainy days here in West Central Texas it might just gather more dust than interest.

It is interesting to me that the CBD continues to do such a great job with my shoulder pain. And, maybe a side effect, my right foot where the "drop foot" is seems to be coming back to life. If it continues to improve I may end up having to buy a car again. Maybe a Maserati or something like that.

 Life is filled with glad time and sad times. My life is pretty evenly split between them both. Beginnin in Novermber of each year with the aniversary of when My Robert and I first met and running to the Day in July when we, many years later, got married. And, in between falls what was/is his birthday and the day on which he died.

The other half of the year is the not so sad time. The time I feel his absence and miss hearing his voice or feeling his touch.

But, most of the time, those times in between everything else, I live what anyone would consider a good life and am happy with my lot. That is more than many can say.

Today I was going to get up early and do laundry but I have taken on a new task every day. At 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. I take out the dog (named Tyger) of a lady that lives up on the third floor. She was sick for a couple of weeks a while back and just has not been able to get back to her old self. She is in her 90's and is the sweetest thing you could ever hope to meet. So, with my natural affinity to all dogs, it is a task that I enjoy.

So each day starts out with an early breakfast, feed and take out Timmy the go upstairs and take out Tyger. Then just sit and catch my breath for a bit. The end of each day is the same except dinner is in that part of the day.

Sunny and cool today. Might hit the low 60's. If there is not much wind I think Timmy and I may go for a nice long walk.

And, maybe sometime this afternoon, I might get around to doing some laundry. Now though I need to make my bed.

 Just a couple of things this early morning. More later though I promise.

OMG it just dropped to 28 degrees. The Texas weather roller coaster continues.

Now, a update to my beard growing efforts...

I think letting it grow a little longer, then some trimming to make is all nice and smooth. Of course with my tremor I could just end up cutting off my head. Guess I need to find someone who can not only cut hair but do beard maintenance as well.

Now a nice hot shower and pulling myself together is in order. So, until later...

 Good morning my friends. I was sitting here thinking/remembering a couple of things. I once took a Comparitive Literature class where an assignment was to answer the question "What Is Love". Of course it was the late 70's so a lot of the answers had to do with either peaceful coexistence and/or sex. I came up with the following which I rediscovered in a box of old papers I was going through.

"Love is the ability to share, at the most intimate level, the very essence of your being with another."

That was what My Robert and I had. While being two very unique individuals we were also one. The amazing and almost impossible ONE where you do not lose yourself but actually become one with another. You think alike, you like the same things, you even often have no need to speak because you know that the other has already heard what you were going to say. All that and maintaining the individual and uniqueness of you both.

Now a blast from the past. Way back when, before My Robert and I met, I did volunteer for a couple of years as the overnight help line person at the original Gay Community Services Center (GCSC) in Los Angeles. Those were wonderful days. Days of awakening, growing and becomming for an entire community of people. I found this picture online of the old original GCSC.

What began as a group of activist meeting in the living room of Morris' home has now grown to possibly the largest LGBTQ+++ organization in the world. And, that Gay community has grown from just a handful of openly Gay men scattered around the country to millions of openly proud LGBTQ+++ people around the world. When I remember those days and look a the past 40+ years I know, in my heart of hearts, that no matter what "they" try to do to roll back the clock we will never be defeated.

And, if I have any regrets at all, they are not self directed but rather a massive regret that so many never had, or will have, the experience of being Gay and alive pre-AIDS and the gentrification of America.

There is a history to be learned and loved. If you are as old as I am share those memories, good and bad, with the world. If you missed out on those days of discovery and growth, know that you have within you the seeds that were planted and you can plant those seeds to continue the growth and development of this amazing community that we are all a part of.

 Well, according to Lurker, I have an "adoring fanbase" who want more. I will toss in bits and pieces of me as I blog on. That is, after all, what this entire blog has become.

Today though, just a few bits that have popped into my mind. Remember that my mind is a complex and sometimes silly organ that will spew out some of the craziest things you can imagine.

First, since I am Gay, if I eat fruit does that mean I am a cannibal? I actually saw that on another blog and stole it.

Next, why are they staires inside but steps outside?

I could go on but won't.

Today it is another cool one with drizzly rain all day. But better days are on the way, I have to believe that or I might opt to be a homeless person in Tahiti. 

As you can see I am just blathering here. It is early and I am trying to jump start my brain and not having the best of luck. So I will just shut up and write something more and more meaningful later.

Love you all, my fans. Who would have thought it.

 So, cue the song Some Enchanted Evening.

 "Some enchanted evening, when you find your true love, When you hear him call you across a crowded room, Then fly to his side and make him your own, Or all through your life you may dream all alone." 

We met in a crowded room (bar), went home together and never left each others side until his death in March of 2021. How he continued to love me I will never fully understand. But he did and I did and will for all eternity.

Our first few years together were amazing, as was the rest of our time. but, looking back I understand more and more how much he loved me and what he endured until Feb of 1980. You see, even though I was now in the best relationship anyone could ever hope for I frequently would stop off for a drink or two after work only to finally stagger home and pass out on the sofa or often just in the hall.

Finally, in Feb. 1980 I was passed out in the hall one more time and he was headed to bed. He just stepped over me, stopped and said (I can still hear it today), "Jon, I love you but I don't want to bury you. You need to do something about your drinking." and went to bed.

Somehow I finally heard him and was suddenly very frightened that I could loose him. The next morning I called a friend named Mike and told him what had happened and said I really needed to do something. I was not aware that Mike was in recovery himself at that time. He suggested that we meet for lunch and so, at about noon we met at my favorite Chinese cafe. Mike said that there was a meeting he needed to go to, invited me to go with him, and we could get lunch after. As it was, the meeting was just across the street in a run down strip mall.

Turns out that it was an AA meeting and, long story short, something clicked inside me and I have been sober since. That was 43 years ago this coming Feb. 20th. In so many ways Mike was what I call my sober angel. Saddly Mike died a few years later of a drug overdose. But he led me to my gift of sobriety and I bless him for that.

Did my stopping drinking save our relationship. I don't, and will never, know. But I do know that all of a sudden my life took an entirely new track. My ability to lie my way into anything came back with a vengence and by the time we left Calif. and moved to Texas I was a senior staff member of the HR team of the largest income producing agency of the City of Los Angeles. And, by the time I retired in Texas I was the Chief Information Security Officer of a major state agency. Not bad at all for that 17 year old hustler who never finished school if I do say so myself.

Of course, there are so many parts of this story that are not told in these few blog postings and I don't know if I will ever post any of them. To be honest with you I am getting kind of bored with myself. So, starting tomorrow, I will shift gears and resume posting about my life, my growth, and just normal day to day crap for a while. Who knows, I may even make a few political comments.

Have a great day y'all.

 Well the pain is pretty much still being managed by the CBD which is a really good thing for me. And, today is supposed to be really nice, mid-70's but tomorrow promises to be cold again. We keep getting hints about what Spring is going to be like. I just wish it would stick.

Now, the ongoing saga of the story of me. This is the part that will probably prove to be the hardest because it requires me to reveal my flaws and weakness'. But, it all ends on a happy note of true love. So, hang on.

When I was 25 (remember this is way back when 30 was old) I decided to become a more "normal" person. I had my job with the City of Los Angeles and I made the decision to focus more on that and less on the night job. All that was well and good except I did continue to go out every night after work even though I was not doing business much any more. And, I am the first to admit that the getting drunk on 3/2 beer while in the army must have planted a seed somewhere in me and I was drinking more and more.

Finally I reached to point that I no longer went to "nice" bars and clubs but focused on a bar South of the Nickle in Los Angeles (the skid row of L.A.). The bar was called the Circle. This is not the one that is now in Santa Monica but rather downtown. It was called the Circle because the bar itself was round and located in the center of the building. 

I would go there after work. Still in my suit and tie, walking through skid row as if there was no risk at all. And, once there, I would drink until someone who knew me would take me home and put me to bed. Did I have a drinking problem? I did not admit it yet but yes I did.

I do recall feeling safe in no small part because of a rather rough looking Black drag queen named Irma who wore a switch blade in her garter and let it be known that I was her pet and was off limits to anyone else.

But then, one night, I decided to go West to what is now officially the City of West Hollywood. I knew a bartender that had started working at The Eagle, he was a friend, and never passed any judgement on me or anyone. I do remember one night years before at another bar. The music was really loud and he was trying to tell me something. He shouted out what he was saying just as the music stopped. "I want to have sex with you" (he was a little more specific actually) and the entire bar heard him and broke into applause.

Anyway, I stood at the end of the bar in the dark and just sort of looked around the room. Suddenly my eyes stopped on a young man and he looked at me and smiled. I walked over to him and stupidly said "what is a guy like you doing in a place like this?" to which he replied, "looking for you". And so began a lifetime relationship full of love that I had never believed I would ever have.

And, so, I am going to stop now because I am getting emotional at the memories. I will write more tomorrow about what happened and how I stopped drinking almost 43 years ago and why.

Love you all. Have a really great day.

 Sunny and warm today, this is the weather I prefer. Not too cold and not too hot. Perfect for sitting out in the sun or going for a stroll.

Now, a true and sincere thanks to all who have made suggestions for dealing with my pain. Tomorrow I will call the doctor and try to determine next steps. But for today, and actually starting yesterday, I have some relief...probably about a 70 percent reduction in overall pain...from CBD. Years ago my foot doctor gave me the option of a shot in my foot or CBD salve for an outbreak of Gout. I have never been a big fan of needles so went with the salve and, when I began to apply it the pain in my foot completely went away.

So, I called the shop where I get the salve. They are located in Early, Texas which is about 100 miles from me. We spoke and they suggested giving CBD gummies a try and are shipping some to me which should arrive Monday or Tuesday. But, they were concerned about the pain I was having in the meantime. So, they called a competing business located in Abilene where I live and had a CBD tincture delivered to me in less than an hour after our conversation.

It is a liquid and you put a dropper full of it under your tongue for a couple of minutes. I did as directed and within about 15 minutes the pain was reduced by about 70 percent. Last night I got the first really nice sleep I have had in over two months.

This morning I did another dose. They also suggested using some of the salve I use on my ankles and feet on my shoulder and neck which I will do after I take a shower and start getting ready for the day.

While doing all this I was having sort of flashbacks to the 70's having long hair and being in San Francisco. Of course I don't think anyone knew about CBD back then but we did pass joints back and forth with strangers while standing at a bus stop. No flowers in my hair but I did have a lot more back then and it reached my shoulders.

Now, just a heads up for anyone who is interested in my story which I have been writing over the past few days. Maybe this afternoon, perhaps tomorrow, I will continue the tale of me. Be forewarned though. The next chapter will have more to do with my transition to adulthood and meeting the love of my life. The changes all that provoked in my life and, in a nutshell, brought me to where I am today.

So, until next time, stay warm (I know some of you are in areas having the remainders of our cold snap), stay healthy and please, stay happy.

 Ready for today's tirade?

So the results of my MRI (which had me praying to just die and get it over with while in the MRI machine) came back and BEHOLD...I could not have a more normal sholder for a 74 year old. Just the arthritis, a little fluid in the joint but nothing to be concerned about. All in all a normal healthy sholder. SO WHY AM I IN SUCH PAIN CONSTANTLY?????

Of course there is no one to call until Monday and, I hope, by then I will have calmed down enough that I do not bite off the head of some innocent receptionist or nurse.

If this means that I am just going to have to learn to live with it I am not sure what I will do. Just learn I guess. Maybe, with time, the nerves will just get tired of signaling pain and shut up. I can only hope. Maybe there is some other procedure that I am not aware of. But if doctors of all types can not find anything wrong what is one to do?

So, I am not in the mood to write any more today about the me that was and became the me that is. Instead I am just going to sort laundry to do tomorrow while everyone is at church getting all redeemed and stuff. That and watch some stupid movies on Prime. Maybe go for a little walk if it warms up this afternoon.

My next step in pain management may have to do with so-called eatables. Don't know how legal they are in Texas but I do use a CBD salve for pain and swelling in ankles and feet. May just see how it works on sholders and necks.

Of course I could always just amputate my sholder and neck. Have my head planted right on my upper back and become one of Tennessee Williams' no neck monsters.

 I had my MRI on my sholder this a.m. It was the most god awful thing I have ever been through. First I had to lay on my back which is painful since I am not able to lay my head back without a lot of pain in my neck and sholder. Then they position my arm in the most painful position possible. Then they slide me into that hellish dounut thing with all the loud noise for 20 minutes. At this point I only hope, as strange as it may sound, that they find something that they can fix and at least make the pain less if not fix me altogether.

Now a bit of clarification about yesterdays post. Some people have emailed me with concerns and outright accusations that I was doing something criminal to older Gay men. First I do not know if any of them were actually Gay. They may have been bi, many of them wore wedding rings. I do recall one time when I was with an older man, probably about the age I am right now, and he was Gay. We actually had a nice conversation and when all was done he actually cried and thanked me. I refused to take any money from him. Our so called community is not famous for its respect, concern or interest in us old farts after all.

Some people expressed concern that I was spreading disease. Years ago, when the big H first raised it head and seemed to be focused on Gay men I participated in a study done by Los Angeles County and the UCLA Medical Center and was found to have some genetic thing called CCR5-D32 which means that the HIV virus was not able to attach to my T4 cells. It did not mean that I was immune, only that I could not be infected. That the virus could get into my body and just lay there dormant. I could not pass it to anyone else and I could not get sick from it. Also, anyone who did the work that I was doing, if they had a brain at all, got tested regularly and responded appropriately to the results of those test.

This is not meant in any way as a defense or justification of what I was doing. And, I carry no shame or guilt or regret for any of my behavior. I provided something to people who wanted what I had, who had no other option in those days and I never left a dissatisfied customer. Yes I sometimes took money from them but only when they were in a position to make it available. If you were a business man staying in a 200 dollar a night suite in those days in a top hotel I figured they were probably on an expense account and it was not their money to begin with. Rationalization, yes, but probably more true than not.

At this same time I was going out with people, both male and female, that involved dinner, perhaps the theatre and bumping uglies where the evening was the fee paid. No cash was involved.

There were times when someone recognizable would pick me up, money was negotiated and agreed on up front always. Several of those "customers" became regulars. They shall go unnamed out of respect for them, their families and just plain common decency. I remember one very handsome man (an actor) who picked me up at Venice Beach. He drove a beautiful white Rolls convertible with tan leather interior. He was exciting to be with, did not hide the fact that he was taking me out in public and enjoyed my company enough that he often would call and send a car to pick me up for a weekend at his beach house. And, there were often just someone who found me attractive and that I found attractive (in all regards not just physical) and I would go with them...again pro bono sex.

I may have been a tramp. But I was a nice tramp with good taste that could carry on a conversation.

Times changes as the years passed. People began to react to me and those like me in ways that made many of us begin to consider two things. One, that we were not getting any younger and, two, that we also wanted more out of life.

So I am going to stop now. I will write more tomorrow.

 O.K. By popular demand a bit more of my story.

So, my short stent in the Army. Yes, I was very young. Actually I was only 17 but close enough to my 18th birthday that my mother signed for me and bingo there I am a little soldier boy. The picture that I posted was in basic training at Ft. Jackson SC. They sold something called 3/2 beer that, if you drink enough of it you could actually get drunk and have a 90 percent chance of throwing up later.

While I now, and have always, supported the US Military about 80 percent I did not support the war we were involved in at that time but knew that I will probably end up drafted after I turned 18. There was no reason for them to defer me. Except, I knew that being Gay was a pretty much immediate discharge. It did not work so well prior to being enlisted for many people who "pretended" to be Gay to not have to serve. You really had to already be in uniform before they "found out".

So, knowing that and knowing that eventually they would do there standard "tell us know rather than later and end up in prison" pitch. And, when they did ask I did tell. And within 30 days I was on a flight home.

Of course, back then that resulted in a discharge under less than honorable conditions. But being a real believer that it is o.k. to lie so long as you can fulfill the promise of the lie that was not something that bothered me. I could lie my way into just about any sort of job...and did for most jobs I had from then to the rest of my work life.

More important to me though was that now it was time for me to go forth with my career of which my body and sex were the only qualifications. So, off to New Orleans I went.

I lied my way into a Asst. Manager trainee job with no problem. Just had to convince them I was older than I really was. Got a place to live and worked every day and went out every night. At first, just the conpanionship and "hookup" with other Gay men my age and a little older. But when I first met someone who paid me to be with them it was one of those proverbial forks in the road we sometimes are offered. I could continue my ordinary life with an occassional trist with someone or I could focus on selling my company to those who really wanted it and were willing to pay. Needless to say the latter was a more attractive vocation to me and off I went into what would be my primary source of income for the next 7 or 8 years. Two or three customers a night was pretty much my limit but the pay was good by anyones standards.

Anyone who paid for my company always got what they paid for. I did not go for anything particularly kinky and I always delivered the goods. There were times when I would end a "job" right in the middle because something was expected that I was not willing to do. And, there were times, when I would allow someone to pick me up in a hotel bar. Usually an older man who had to drink a lot to get up the courage to seek what he wanted. We would go to his room and more often than not he would end up passed out on the bed. I admit that on occassion I would help myself to any cash in his wallet. Never any credit cards or anything else, just cash. Always what I had been promised and often a bit more if there was more.

At a few of the hotels I worked the bartenders would figure out what I was up to. A couple of them exiled me from their bars but most of them would work a customer in my direction. Those were the ones I liked and I would always give them a gracious tip as I left the hotel.

So, enough for today. Probably more tomorrow. Now I am going to just rest my old tired self. Memory lane takes its toll afterall.

 Well, I have received several request for pictures of the me from the posting prior to this one already in both comments and emails. First, at some point in my past I destroyed all the evidence. But I do have some pictures from late in the 14 to 25 year old period. So, ask and you shall receive...

First, the first time I ever grew a beard. It was a lot darker back then...

Then one of my brief stent in the Army. It was before don't ask, don't tell. Well they asked and I told so that did not last long...

Now one taken at a New Years Eve party shortly after I moved to Los Angeles...

Finally one of me as a model in a show we did for a friend that designed hats...

I did my best to crop out other people to "protect the innocent". In the hat photo the man holding me was one of my favorite bar tenders. And, yes he was holding me up because I was loaded beyond imagining...

So why post these? Well my mother used to tell me I had no shame. I always replied that "no, I have no secrets.

 Sixpence posted recently in his blog about his youth which was a prolonged coming of age sort of thing and brought to my mind one more time how I have always planned to "write my story". Well here we go. Just a couple of paragraphs to begin. I want the reveal to be long and drawn out afterall.

I was 14 years old when I managed to seduce my first man. He was an usher at a local movie theater and must have been in his early 20's. Was he gay? Was he a pederast? It did not really matter to me at all since I was really little more than hormones with legs out to experience what I had dreams of and fantacised about for a long time. Being gay at birth and knowing it from the get go has both its advantages and disadvantages. Advantages in that the proverbial closet never exists and disadvantages in that no sane person is going to even begin to show any interest in you for fear of a long prison sentence.

From 14 to 17 I did as I wanted with any man that I could manage to hook. Some in their 20's and some a good deal older. But it was always something I persued and always someone older than me. Not some dirty old man after the young boy sort of thing.

When I was 17 I "ran away" from home to New Orleans. Why, I had read a book by John Rechy titled City of Night and thought that was the place to be. I lied about my age and got a job as a manager trainee at a White Auto store, found a place to live in a small hotel on Canal and ate most of my meals at either White Castle or the Rexall Drug Store fountain where they had the best "dirty rice" in the world and still had phone booths that cost a nickle to make a call.

One night I took the cable car from my room with the intent of going to the Quarter to see who I could manage to connect with. I sat in an empty seat and soon an older man sat down next to me. He pressed his leg against mine and I took the hint and pressed back. I don't recall what we said but we got off the Cable Car at the circle and went across to the YMCA where we enjoyed one anothers company (don't you love how I am making it not an R rated encounter?). When we were finished and getting dressed he did say he hoped to run across me again and gave me 50 dollars. 

That was my introduction to how I could used my body, my youth and my looks to earn a living. And, that was almost as much as I earned in a week working. So, a new me was born that night and continued for several years from New Orleans to San Francisco to Los Angeles. From 17 to 25 I had two jobs. My day job eventually with the City of Los Angeles and my night job at bars and hotels with anyone who was interested and had the money. Eventually things began to get seedy and I began to find that I was known and shuned in many of the gay clubs that I went to. So, a reevaluation of where I was going was in order. So, at 25 years of age I "retired" from most of my night jobs and began the transition to being a responsible adult...whatever that means.

Now I am going to stop here and let your imaginations run wild for a bit. I will write more in the future about my life both pre and post age 25. Until then, stay warm. We are in the 20's for the third day running here and will be for at least another day. Right now we are in the midst of a major ice storm which we are all praying does not take out the Texas Power Grid.