Well the old man has some life in him yet. 

I know that because I have a pain in my right sholder, cold damp weather created a cramped muscle which will just not relax. So today I will do a muscle relaxer and hope it helps.

Funny how a pain, a stubbed toe or some such will bring you right back down to earth.

Now what have I been up to. Well, I made some sourdough bread which will be a part of this mornings breakfast. I finished all five books in the Eli and Max Mysteries and am just waiting for book six to come out sometime in the next month or so. And, I have read that there will be a book seven. So I have that to look forward to.

I bought my PowerBall ticket. If I win 1.2 Billion dollars I am not sure what I would do. I think I would go ahead and pay the mortgage on our house so I can get the deed changed to my name and then spend a lot of money fixing it up. It is, afterall, the home that Robert and I put together and I would keep it just because of that. I would still probably move in to Abilene or Brownwood. Abilene because that is where my doctors are as well as my church. Brownwood because I have made so many friends in AA there and it would be nice to be near them in the real world and not just AA meetings.

Of course I suppose I would be able to afford a nice place with room to have a staff and a driver/companion and just travel back and forth between the three places. I would like a nice couple to cook, clean and take care of the yards. Then the companion would have to be a good and responsible driver, someone who I could trust and talk to and, since I would have a billion dollars in the bank, someone who could serve as my bodyguard. Oh, the fantasies we can indulge in when we secretly know they will never come true.

Right now I would be more than happy with around 100K. I could pay off the mortgage and spend a bunch making this place whole again.

Facebook has become an integral connection to the world beyond Moran-Newman Farms (that is what we call this place). I never even used Facebook before Robert died. Then I started using it just to have a sensation of connection with the "real" world. Over the past couple of years I have actually made friends on Facebook that I will never meet face-to-face but that are as much friends as they would be if they were neighbors. And there are even a couple of men that I have communicated with that could become involvements if we do ever meet. Yes Robert was, is and will always be the love of my life and I still, and will continue to keep my wedding ring on and know that he was and will always be my husband. But it would be nice to have someone to hug and be hugged by. Someone to lay my head in their lap watching television or share the experience of reading and talking about a book with.

I am, afterall, 74 years old and do not delude myself by trying to believe that the Gay community that I am a part of is not very age aware. I am not and have never been interested in young men. Most of the men that I might even remotely be interested in are older (yet still young enough to be my child) and they tend to be not interested in someone my age.

So, yet one more card I have been dealt. The good fortune to outlive my desirability. I have memories of the 28 inch waist I once had and that is now long gone. I remember having hair that reached almost to the middle of my back and being able to just smile or make eye contact across a room or a bar and magic would happen. I even actually earned my way through life with my looks until I decided that there had to be more to everything than sex at about the age of 25 and actually started living a "normal" life with a job and all the responsibilities that came with that. Even though I continued to be a raging yet functioning alcoholic until I turned 32 and got sober. And, in the five years or so of "responsible" living I met the man that I would love for the rest of my life.

I look back on things now and, even though some of my past was a bit iffy, am well aware of how lucky I have been. I have loved and been loved. I have had great health and good times. I have been desired by and desired some of the most amazing men who propriety demands remain unnamed. I have been happy and laughed until I cried. And, I have had great saddness where the tears seemed like they would never stop.

How could I not be greatful for the life that I have been given and continue to live even if there are times that I think otherwise?

And so, today I am aware that the old man has some life in him yet. The aches and pains I feel on occassion, the thinning hair and receeding hair line, the larger than 28 inch waist, the failing vision, the forgetful moments are all not only part of growing older but the price we all have to pay for the youth we lived.

Now I am beginning to feel the urge to tell my story but I have babbled on enough for one posting. So, in the near future I think I may begin posting how I came to be who I am today.

I hope you all have a great day, the weather here is supposed to be really nice for the next few days. I hope the pain in my sholder passes soon, it would be nice to be able to turn my head from side to side without wincing. The time changes this coming Sunday and the election (mid-terms) is this coming Tuesday and we will find out if our world is going to radically change or begin the process of healing from the past few years of turmoil.