First, let me say I am sorry for "dumping" this posting on all of you, feel free to just pass it by.

I have been up all night worrying and crying and feeling not at all good about my life and how things seem to be shifting totally out of my control. The doctor yesterday has pretty much narrowed things down to a probable pinched nerve in my neck that, combined with an arthritis flare up is what is going on. He is ordering an MRI which I will have to go to Abilene to have done when they schedule it. What the outcome of those results will be, your guess is as good as mine which is not all that good at this point. In addition to that he says I have something commonly called drop foot on my right leg. Something about nerves being damaged and causing me to have trouble walking with any balance. Perhaps associated with the pinched nerve, perhaps related to a family history on my fathers side of Parkinsons, perhaps just a continuation of the Diabetic Neuropathy that I have in both legs. God only knows and so far He has not seen fit to share that information with me.

At the end of our visit he made it pretty clear to me that I am rapidly reaching the point that I will no longer be able to live alone way out here in the country trying to hold together a huge house and do what needs doing to take care of a small farm. So I have to now really concentrate on making a move to Abilene where I will be closer to people and the doctors that I see. And, since he is leaving Coleman at the end of the month, he is encouraging me to locate a doctor in Abilene to be my primary care doctor.

Of course this is not all that simple to do. It means that I will have to get rid of both Duke and Sara which breaks my heart. I should be able to keep Timmy since he is a small dog and will meet pet standards just about any place.

And I have not got a penny to my name which means that one more time I will have to turn to my Cousin and his wife for help. I am 74 years old and having to lean on other people just to survive does not set well with me. If Robert were still alive none of this would be an issue. But the universe has seen fit to toss me to the ground yet one more time...can you tell that I am on a bit of a pitty pot this morning.

As difficult as all the above is going to be I do see the need for it and will do what I can to adjust. But even more difficult is the thought of leaving the home that Robert and I tried so hard to put together. To say that I feel like an absolute failure is putting it mildly. If there was a way that I could just join Robert without causing harm or saddness I would in a heartbeat. But, I also have a pretty strong belief in an old Asian philosophy that says that if a person chooses to end their life they will have to come back and live it again and again until they get it right. And, I can not even think about that. So, the world is stuck with me and I with it no matter the cards that are being dealt.

I do not want any sympathy but any and all good wishes will be welcome and appreciated. 

Now I have to begin the process of figuring out how to consolidate a lifetime of belongings and the contents of a three bedroom house into a one bedroom apartment if I can even find one that I can afford.