I just watched an Italian film, dubbed in English, on Netflix called Nuovo Olimpo. It had me in tears from the start and near sobbing at the end. Do I recommend it? Without hesitation. Five Stars!!!

 My health has been in complete disarray with the plague of my old illness' and a few new and possible really bad ones. My adrenal glands are being investigated as well as my kidneys both of which seem to be acting up and not doing the right thing. My pancreas continues to plague me and make me pretty miserable all the time and all they will tell me is that will be the way of my life from now on. My legs, especially the right one which was the one that was temporally paralyzed apparently by my adrenal glands and something called Primary Aldosteronism, seem to be getting weaker and not wanting to hold me in an upright standing position. But I can still walk which is a good thing. Heart with persistent high blood pressure, blood glucose is like a roller coaster and even the new Insulin does not seem to help, though I am sure it is and I just have so much going on that I do not realize it.

And now something that I had when I was 23 years old, four years before I met My Robert, was treated for and declared cured, has come back with a vengeance and I have new doctors that are trying to treat me and cure me one more time.

Yet, I still am able to say that life is good, even with all the aches and pains that seem to be my lot as I age. It seems that every time I think my life is moving toward that point where I can get a little place of my own my body just slams me to the ground and says NO!!!

 

 Seems like every time I promise to post more often something happens and my live does it sort of topsy turvy thing and the postings just drift away. Such is the case this time. After more than a week in hospital followed by a period in rehab learning to walk again i end up home again only to be stopped in my tracks by another Pancreatitis Flare Up. So I have been traveling that god awful path to recovery, if recovery is even possible. I am beginning to feel a little better, able to keep food down and trying to rehydrate my shriveled carcass. 

I am not going to say I will post more and more often. Rather I am just going to say I will post there there is empty time and my body is not busy trying to kill me.

But know that I have you all in my mind and, in fact, read your blogs religiously every day.

 Three years ago My Robert left life on this Earth. I loved him then, I love him now and I will love him for the rest of eternity. There is little that I can say that I have not already said about this. Just that he was the very core of my being and every day with him lives as memory within my heart. I miss you Robert more than I can say. I knew I love you then but never realized how much I loved you until you were gone.

 Good news! I do get to go home tomorrow. I have a home health agency all set up to come to my apartment and do PT with me 3 times a week. I will be in my own space with my belongings and all the things I love, not the least of which will be my Timmy who will probably be so excited to see me that he will wiggle and pee all over the place and that is alright. I can always clean up after him and will willingly do so.

Who knows, I may even relax into my life enough that I will write blog entries that are not about my health and are about more important issues like the price of tea in China or where actually is True North.

 The plan of care for me seems to be to cause as much pain and exhaustion as possiblep and the are doing just that. However the end result seems to be better balance and the ability to walk. They took away my wheelchair with the explanation that it was spoiling me and making me less willing to go through what I need to go through to walk safely again.

I doubt that I will be able to go home tomorrow like I hoped but maybe Monday. We shall see.

 Well a day or so after the last post I woke up without the use of my right leg. It was still there, I could still feel it but I could not move it and it would not help me stay upright. The problem was from the hip down and did not injur my torso and up. So I tried to use my arms to slide to the edge of the bed with the thought that if I could stand up all would be fine. Wrong! I fell to the floor and could not get back up and had to call for help who determined I needed another ambulance ride to the ER. A few hours later I am once again admitted for evaluation.

After too many test they determined that I probably had a mini stroke even though all their scans and test did not find anything. And, all the time the sensation began coming back to my leg but the memory of how to walk was still on vacation. 

So, I have landed in a rehab facitlity called Brightpoint at Lytle Lake. Not a bad place and has great staff. I checked in on the Weekend so don't have a plan of care until tomorrow ( Monday ) so no idea how long I will be here. But at least healing is beginning and the staff and Doctors and other professionals actually are listening to what I am saying and go beyond treating symptoms and treating what was causing the symptoms. I hope my stay here will be a short one. And, of course I will keep you all updated even though you might be thinking what can happen next. Guess what, so am I.

 Well just an update on my health. I have a new diagnosis. I have Hyperaldosteronism . Another one for you to Google because to explain it would take too much typing. I might have something to do with all the gut pain I have been having and the low back pain as well as the constant high blood pressure though.

 Well, my life has, over the years, taken some unexpected turns. Such was the case today when after much deliberation, I deleted Chaturbate from my computer. So, no more fantasy, sexy, Latin men, no more unfilled or unfulfilling dream loves. I found that, the last few times I visited I left bored. That and how many of their new models seem to be children (at least in appearance).

Now I have to depend on my real life friends, and my fantasies to get me through. Probably more of the latter.

Of more interest is that next week, Tuesday and Wednesday, they have predicted highs in the 80's so there should be ample of the citizenry without their shirts on which should be nice. Of course that will be followed by some chilly weather since we do not really start Spring until the last March frost and the mesquite begin to bud out in late March.

I have been pretty much just ignoring the news since it never really changes or drifts away from coverage of the rapidly spoiling overripe orange thing. I did see the news this morning about Navalny and am saddened by that.

I have been watching a Turkish television show on Netflix called The Gift. There is an interesting premise in it that memories are stored in boxed within us that extend back to the beginning of time and forward into the destiny of life itself. I do find that interesting and sort of satisfying.

That and eating and sleeping and going for the occasional walk fill my days this time of year. Hope you are all enjoying life.

 Well my super handsome and smart South American gentleman and I reconnected last night in a most special way. I have missed him. He gives me affection that is not demanding of me which is really nice. This is the sort of relationship I need right now. Not demanding, full understanding on both sides that I will never be more than it is and we both feel we can be honest with each other.

My prostate seems to have healed completely. I am still at that stage where I am learning to know when I need to pee and when I need to pee RIGHT NOW. But I am also sleeping through the night without having to get up time and again. I do still have issues with getting a full erection but have the green light from my Cardiologist to take the "little blue pill" so if my Urologist agrees on the 28th of this month I will have that at my disposal. I do not have anyone in my life to share the experience with at this time and probably will not for the foreseeable future so it will just be for my own enjoyment. It has been so long that I may just sit and look at it having forgotten what I am supposed to do with it...just kidding, I have faith that it is like riding a bike. Once learned, never forgotten.

Yes, here I am, a lonely old man again. Feels familiar and comfortable though. I have my Timmy to be my constant companion, I have my friends here, Hal and Sandy, the couple that have sort of adopted me here and assorted online friends who are there to chat whenever I make the effort. And, I have a new friend named Roy who works at the funeral home across the street from where My Robert is buried. We met when I was there last, I was waiting for the cab to come pick me up and he walked across to see if I was alright or needed anything. We have chatted a bit online and talked about My Robert and his Ken who is 25 years older than he is. They have been together for 42 years. He is a real died in the wool Gerontophile and has indicated an interest in me. If that time comes it will, but right now it is just a friendship. He has offered to take me to My Roberts grave to place flowers next month on the 3rd anniversary of My Roberts death.

Can you believe it is almost 3 years? It seem, a lot of the time, like it was yesterday. I still mourn and grieve for him everyday and will for the rest of time. Loosing your spouse is unlike loosing anyone or any relationship you may have. I stops your entire universe and changes everything.

Enough of that though. Let me just wish you all a beautiful Monday and a wonderful life. Much love to you all. Hugs and kisses and all that stuff that we can only do virtually.

 Well here I sit at a quarter until 3 a.m. and thought I would just post a little to bring us all up to date. It is 20 some days until I have my follow-up with my Urologist. I am sure he has some things to check and he is welcome to do that but I have a major question to pose to him. Seems that no matter the age or how much a hunk the man is (I have been doing test runs on Chaturbate) all I seem to get is a bit of stirring in my nether regions and no actual reaction. So I am going to ask about "the little blue pill". I have an appointment with my Cardiologist this week and will ask him if I can even safely take the pill and what to expect if I do. And it probably should not matter anyway but it does. If I am now a single man in his mid 70's (which is sort of the prime of old age) I would like to have the benefit of a few more experiences with Mr. Wiggly at his most.

Oh, and this morning I read the King Charles (the same age as me) recently had a procedure for BPH not dissimilar to my own and now has been diagnosed with cancer that was discovered as a result of the procedure. They are not saying it was Prostate cancer and it does no matter. Cancer in any form is a bad thing and I wish him well. My friend here had Prostate Cancer and ended up with everything removed which has left him permanently bagged and diapered. He does have a great attitude about it though which is something I would hope for if it ever happened to me.

I do continue the ability to pee like a horse which is still fun. No more leakage so Depends are in the closet just in case but I am  back to boxer shorts which includes the pleasure of loose and floppy that I prefer. Hope I am not at that stage of too much information, at least I have not posted any pictures so you will have to just use your imagination

I am, after all, a 75 year old man that gravity has been playing with for several years now. At one point I was just over 6 feet tall and am now only 5'10" so compression is at play. And other things seem to be hanging lower than they once did as gravity plays with my body.

On the positive side, at least for me, I am down to 178 pounds. My target is 175 and then I will begin the process of making my body fit my weight with exercise.

I may be old but I will not give way to wrinkles and sags. As much as possible I will pull it all together and be one of those debonair older gentlemen. At least that is my goal.

 Because I know that inquiring minds want to know. After you have Prostate surgery and are re-learning how to pee it is not unlike housebreaking a puppy.

 GOOD NEWS!!!!

I have been given the thumbs up and a green light to begin an entire new chapter in my life. I no longer have a catheter and yesterday I peed like I have not peed in years and it was wonderful. It was almost erotic. I know that sound a bit strange but when you have spent years having to hope you could pee only to drip and drizzle it is a miraculous act. I have a follow up appointment with my Urologist on the 28th of next month at which point we will discuss additional functions of my junk. Things like getting and holding an erection AKA ED and what can be done to facilitate that and what to expect as a result, the dreaded retrograde ejaculations'. But, honestly, those are the least of my concerns. Just being able to pee like a normal person, being able to actually sleep through the night are all that I wanted and expected from this. And that has been given me through these procedures even though there were times when I just wanted to toss in the towel. I have what I set out for and that is enough.

I know that at 75 I am still "in the prime of old age". But all the rest would just be icing on the cake and not something that is of major concern to me.

The love of my live these days, John, has done a few things that are cause for concern to me. When he found I had already filed my taxes he got all upset saying that he thought we could file jointly and get more money. We are not legally married and are over a thousand miles apart which IRS might find a bit suspicious in filing a joint return. Then he suddenly wants me to open something called a DCU account which he can make use of for some transactions he is, for some reason, restricted from doing. I have laid it all out on the line. I do not want financial assistance from him and I have never been anything less than honest with him in letting him know that I am poor and have nothing to offer except my love. If that is not enough, if our love is contingent on some possibly less than legal activities, then I am going to take care of myself first.

So, I suspect, I am on the brink of becoming that lovable yet lonely old man living his best life as best as he can. I will leave the door open for an explanation from him but I suspect that my days filled with long distance romance are short lived. And, if that is the case, that is alright.

I still have my Timmy, I have a couple of really close friends here that I trust and I still have my cousin and his wife. And I have those of you who have become more than just virtual friends. I have a new friend and his husband who I met during the Prostate experience who have helped me get through the worst of it. Put all that together with a heavy dose of Netflix and Prime Video, a library filled with books to read and the promise of sunny and warmer days and there is little that I want or need.

I am of the opinion and now have the ability to, if things are just not right in my live, I can just piss on it all and move forward.

 So, five days ago I had my prostate surgery. And in the past five days I have been in the Emergency Room 4 times now. Not exactly the outcome I was expecting.

I am tired, I am frustrated to the point of tears and I just want this to be over and done with. If you might be facing this procedure yourself then print out my rantings here and give a copy to your surgeon with the sincere request the he or she not follow my example.

Over and done with, find the best procedure for you and do not let them wander off your target. It is you life after all. The may have the knowledge and skill to do the work but unless they are doing the procedure on themselves they must pay attention to your desires and needs.

Now I am headed to the recliner where I plan on sleeping most of the day. It is cold, only in the teens, and I am depressed. So, sometimes, the best cure is to just try to sleep it off.

 Surgery status is a big Not Over Yet. On Monday the 15 I finally had my Prostate surgery done and what I thought would be a one and out has turned out to be anything but.

I was out cold but am told that the HoLep procedure was going very well when suddenly the laser decided to quit working. That was about half way through so there was no going back so they switched to the Turp procedure. Now, in HoLep as they laser out the swollen tissue any blood vessels they have to cut or nicked by accident is pretty much automatically cauterized. With Turp this is not the case and until those vessels heal on there own there can be anywhere from moderate to significant bleeding. This means no home the same day but at least an additional day in hospital.

For me it was a total of a three day stay at which point it was determined that I could manage without a catheter and I was sent home on Wednesday the 17th.

Everything went well until that evening when a large blood clot decided to block everything that was normally supposed to happen. Imagine having to pee so bad that you felt you might actually explode at any moment. A real "pull over and let me out on the side of the road NOW!!!" need to pee. And as part of that need your entire groin, your penis feels like they are filled with ground glass and the very tip of you penis feels like it is on fire. What do you do?

Get you sweet ass to the ER fast, as soon as they hear blood in the urine, the get you in with no waiting. The doctor and a nurse come in and then step out of your room and talk a bit and the doctor walks away. The nurse is now in charge. First you are given an injection of Fentanyl which only lessens the pain but does not make it go away.

Next she begins to insert a Foley catheter in your penis to relieve the urine pressure that is really causing all the pain. Of course this is never really a comfortable procedure but when the nurse is having to punch right through a clot that is causing the blockage it is even less so. But finally the catheter is inserted all the way to your bladder and the flood gates are opened and you finally have some relief. For me that was a voiding of just over a Liter of mixed blood and urine. Just think about that the next time you are buying a Liter sized bottle of your favorite soft drink at the 7-11.

But now you are sent home with a Foley catheter in you and a bag strapped to your leg. You have to dig out those baggy pants you were always intending to toss in the trash but never did. And you have to allow things a little more time to heal.

So, this coming Wednesday I go to the Urologist office to have the catheter's need evaluated and hopefully removed, the bag on your leg retired and no more lifting your leg up to the toilet to drain like some dog at a fire hydrant but instead start the process of having to learn to pee like a normal person all over.

Now, since it is not Wednesday yet I can not predict my future in the peeing universe or the possible return to normal of all the functions of that part of my body but I can promise to continue the tale of Jon's desire to be a normally functioning man and the saga of how he might finally get there.

 Just a quick post to say hello and that I wish us all the best.

I am headed out the door to the Lab for even more blood work prior to my Surgery on Monday. I have to be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. and they are predicting the temp will be in the teens that morning. There is something wonky about my blood, don't know what but it threatens my procedure and that will really piss me off. I have been fighting for this surgery for months now and it just seems like one last minute obstacle after another.

But I have faith in my doctors and a good outcome. Of course, my kind of luck, right in the middle of the surgery there will be a power outage or something.

The procedure I am having is called HoLep which you can google if you really want to know.

Now, out the door with me. Wish me luck.

 Well in one more day we will officially be one week into 2024. Today is Little Christmas aka The Feast of the Epiphany. 

True love and happiness is still alive in Abilene, TX as well as in Cincinnati, OH and all places in between. There has be one little twist in the fabric. Instead of me moving to Ohio at the end of the year we are now looking more and more seriously at John moving here. Our lives will take on a much simple patina, housing (except newly build mini-mansions) are a lot more reasonable and our overall cost of living will be less here than there. Also, all my established health care is here. So, as soon as I can manage some sort of transportation and potential housing we can begin the process of a move in real time.

I do hope that you are are enjoying the beginning of the year and that it will bring you your most secret desires.