Yesterday afternoon I got a call from the front desk to inform me that there was a delivery for me. Now, I was not expecting anything so was a bit confused but went up front to see what it was. I actually had the thought that it might be a summons or some sort of legal paperwork. But this is what was there:

Now I was even more confused. Why would anyone send me such a beautiful bunch of flowers? The card that came with it was typed and said only "Just wanted to remind you that you are a loving, compassionate person." That was all, no signature, no name, nothing else. We called the florist and they told us that the flowers were purchased with cash and anonymously. That the message was typed exactly as requested and that there was intentionally no signature.

So, if any one of the folks who read this blog sent then, or if someone out there just sort of likes me and the person I strive to be, THANK YOU. It really put a new spin on what had turned out to be a Murphy's Law sort of day.

 Since I sometimes refer to "my tiny little apartment at the home" I thought it might be time to welcome you to my home and give you a tour so that you can see what I am talking about. (Note, this turned out to be a long post because of all the pictures, sorry)

This is the entrance to my "home":

And this is our interior courtyard, the window to the left of the french doors is my window on the world. The french door are the entry to the Library:

The building is actually just an apartment building for elderly people. It is not a nursing home, we have no health care professionals on staff though several residents pay for outside home health attendents. One older retired Doctor who is confined in a wheel chair has a male health care worker who is quite the cutie. He comes in early in the a.m., gets the doctor out of bed and puts him in a special chair in the shower (all the apartments have large bathrooms with large walk in showers). The he puts on a bathing suit, gets in the shower with the doctor and gets him cleaned and ready to start his day. He then dresses the doctor and himself and spends the entire day with him. I am sure his services are not cheap. But that is the sort of care some of the residents have if they have the money.

If he was taking care of me he would not need the bathing suit to give me a shower!!!

We are not like a standard apartment building in that we have a dining room/restaurant where we can get snacks, etc and where they serve three meals a day all included in the price of rent we pay.

You enter our building and sign in ot our front desk which is attended 24/7 year round for the security of all who live here. In additions they have us sign in and out if we are leaving the building. This is so that at the end of the day if someone has not signed back in and did not sign out as being with a relative or care giver they begin a process to locate that person which can go all the way to and elder alert being broadcast and police involveent. This is because so many of our residents tend to forget where they are or where they live and just begin to muddle about.

Now you would next enter my tiny little 385 sq ft apartent which is smaller than my bedroom on the farm. But it is nice, I have a cleaning lady that comes once a week that Timmy has finally stopped growling at. All my utilities are paid including Extended Cable Television and high speed internet services with my own unique network identifiers so that no one can "spy" on another residents use of the intrenet. So I can view all the naked men I want without upseting some 90 year old lady that is just pokeing around on her computer.

You would enter my little apartment and if you stood in the center of the room and just turned in a circle this is what you would see. First my "study":

Then turning you would see my "music room" and "living/bedroom":

Turn a little more and you are in my "kitchen":

Sorry for the mess but I had just done my dishes. Next, as you turn you are face to face with my "media room" which has a 70 inch television which gives the space the feeling of a small movie theatre:

Oh, and that is my printer on the right which connects us back to my study.

Now this tiny little 385 sq ft apartment is where I moved from our farm which had a 3000 sq foot 110 year old house on 4 acres and where we had chickens and ducks and geese. Now for a bit of a trip down memory lane. First our house in the country:

This is where My Robert and I lived when we finally were able to get married after more than 40 years together. Here is an emotional to me picture of our wedding (I have to pause a little and have a good cry):

We were married in a MCC church with an overweight Lesbian minister and it was one of the most important and wonderful days of my life. We lived on the farm with our beast (chickens, ducks, dogs and geese). Here is Robert herding chickens that got into the back yard when I left the gate open;

This is our front yard:

My Robert was so proud of his efforts to cut wood for our winters:

And wood we needed for the fireplace because our winters did get cold and beautiful:

So, there you have it. From 3000 sp ft to 385 sq ft. My life has changed over the past few years. With the death of My Robert, my literally falling apart physically because I did not now how to mourn his death all leading to my need for the life I lead today.

Yes, I am alone and sometimes lonely but I am happy in my little space (yes Lurkie I am trying to convince myself of this as much as it is also true). It is not anything near what I had visioned my retirement to be like but it is what it is and I am satisfied with it. I have access to all the professional care I need in order to repair the broken me which is my primary goal. I know I will never have what I had but life is sort of funny. Maybe, just maybe, I am on a journey to something new and wonderful. That is my hope and dream. I know that it can never be as wonderful as the life I had with My Robert; but if I just live here for the next 10 or 20 years I will be satisfied because my life is good and I will be able to die in peace. I have a few friends and I have you who read this pathetic blog about a silly old man trying to live the best life he can.

Now, enough of all this and on to the day. Yesterday was 106 with and heat index of 112 and today, and this entire week, is supposed to be hotter then the hell that Texas can be on a good day. You all have a great day and stay cool. Love you all...really I do.

 O.K. GUYS...SPREAD THOSE LEGS

In todays posting of Case Des Hommes located at 

https://case-des-hommes.blogspot.com/?zx=42bde136f396e688 

and which your browser can translate into English if you do not read French is an interesting writing about the importance of spreading your legs when you sit. And it has some nice pictures to look at as well.

It is not necessary to do the dreaded Man Spread and take up too much room. Just to spread your legs a little when you sit and the issue of leg crossing is also discussed. 

Now the issues of polite leg spreading as compared to serious sexual leg spreading can be discussed here in my apartment at any time with demonstrations as needed.

Love you all and wish you a Happy Fathers Day to all our Dads of all shapes, sizes and persuasions.

 Well I am completely confused by our weather. We are in a heat wave with temps predicted to be 100 and above for the next week or two. Yesterday it was predicted to be 105 but mid day a huge thunder storm came up and it poured. The result, we barely hit 80 by nightfall. Timmy likes it, he just does not like walking on the wet ground.

They delivered both my Echo Show 8 and my recliner yesterday. I got the Echo set up with no problem at all. It's wake work is Computer and my Echo Dot's wake word is Alexa. Right now I am listening to the Amazon Music channel Meditation. As for the recliner, well, I got it out of the box and had it together in about 20 minutes (I do have some butch skills afterall). I had to rearange the apartment to get it where I wanted it. Went to fix a cup of coffee and sit down and enjoy my new chair. But I could not. It was already occupied.

We have negotiated and it is agreed that Timmy can sleep in the chair, which he did last night leaving me all alone in the bed. It was lonely, I have not had a body (even Timmy's little body curled up against the back of my neck) next to mine in a long time. Guess I will just have to adjust. But, in addition, if I want to sit in the chair and lean back he is allowed to jump up and sleep in my lap. He used to do this all the time out on the farm and he is really happy to have things the way they should have been all along.

Right now it is 73 degrees (it is a little after 4 a.m.) and the high is only predicted to be in the low 90's but with all the rain yesterday the heat index is supposed to be 103. What a joy it is to live in West Texas where Summer begins before Spring is finished.

I read that there is an emoji floating around that has the LGBTQ+ flag with a cancel sign on it (circle with a diagonal slash through it) supposedly released by Apple. This is evidently not true but the image has been released on the internet and you can bet that those religious bigots and white nazi nuts will start using it. So, this is how a rumor becomes reality. Anytime I see it online I will block that site immediately.

Have the most wonderful day you have ever had. Tell that special person in your life that you love them and that they are worthy of all the best that life has to offer. And, if like many of us, there is no special person in your life right now, look in the mirror and tell yourself how important you are and that you love you.

 Well this is just the shits.

Today is supposed to reach 103 degrees and it will be 100 and above for at least a week with a week from Tuesday hitting 110 or above.

The only benefit is that I don't have to pay the electricity bill for my AC.

I took Timmy out yesterday and he rushed through his business because the pavement was too hot to walk on. He does not like his feet getting hot and does not like them getting wet. If it is after a rain he will just hold everything until the grass dries. He is such a delicate little blossom.

Stay cool everyone.

 Just a quick update on my visit to the Cardiologist. 

I got there at the appointed time and sat waiting for almost an hour. Then they called me up and told me my doctor was in emergency surgery and rescheduled my Echo for July 5th. I am hoping that rescheduling me so far out means that there is nothing serious they were looking for.

My heart doctor it the "go to" emergency heart surgeon here in Abilene. Very much in demand and very good at what he does. He is a little short Sikh man who always has on a turban. When I first met him I was not sure of what to expect. But over the years he has "saved my life" more than once. So he could be a little grey baboon with a bright red and blue butt for all I care.

I did finally get a referral to an Endochronoligist to begin work on why my blood glucose is so out of control. That is coming up in a couple of weeks. An appointment with my Gastroenterologist to go over the results of my Endoscopy and an appointment with my Podiatrist to deal with issues of the neuropathy in my legs and feet. It is my hope that the neuropathy can be somehow dealt with so that I can maybe start driving again. Of course I sold my car months ago and would need to buy another one if I can somehow manage the financial end of things.

When My Robert died I just let myself fall apart physichally and am now trying to put all the parts back  together again. It is a hard task but one that I hope will be worthwhile. If I am nothing else let me be an example of what not to do as you age.

I send you all wishes for the best of health and as much virtual love as I can muster. Be happy and look for the joy in life. It is a worthwhile effort.

 Just sitting here thinking about the good old days. While life and things were not perfect they sure seemed better than a lot of what we have today.

Remember when, even though they were slow to do so, we trusted the Supreme Court to eventually do the right thing...and often they did.

Remember when the LGBTQ+ community was only Gay Men and Lesbians (other alphabets had not yet awoken) and we all fought one another but always joined hand in solidarity to demand that the world change...and for a while it did.

I could go on, but I am depressing myself.

I have an apointment this afternoon with my Cardiologist for an Echo. The last time I had an Echo I ended up with two more stents. So I am hoping this is more of just a check up.

 Just a posting about old men and peeing.

Yes, peeing.

For many older men an event happens as they age called BPH or Benign prostatic hyperplasia. What happens is that the prostate enlarges and, usually in the night hours, blocks or reduces the uretha which in turn makes it difficult and often painful to do something as easy as peeing.

There are a number of treatments for this malfunction of your body parts the first one being medication. You may have heard of Flomax which is available in its generic form as Tamsulosan. This little miracle somehow seems to reduce the prostatic swelling making it possible for you to pee and actually drain your bladder. It's main side effect, by my estimation, is that you then have to get up pretty much hourly durring the night to pee which is not very conducive to a good nights rest.

I have been on this medication for a number of years now and am happy to say that it does work most of the time but it also does other things to your nether regions.

One thing that happens to some, not all, men on this medication is that, while you are perfectly able to produce a massive hard on and most likely will have all the physical sensation of a climax all the juicy stuff will be redirected into your bladder where you will later just pee it out with all the water you drank in some attempt to stay well hydrated.

While it is a dissapointment to not see and feel all that goodness shooting out of your body for a body rub or even for a snack the most difficult thing is to be having a passionate encounter and the finish is just a big pftttt. Try explaining that to someone who might be pretty much a stranger and, unless they share your condition, getting any real understanding from them will be a sort of pitying "that is o.k. don't worry about it".

Fortuanately there are other treatments that will restore your basic bodily functions. These involve the insertion of a "tube" into your penis up into your prostate where high pressure water is sent to carve away some of the swollen prostate tissue or the use, inserted again into your penis up to your prostate, of a laser to just "burn" away the offending flesh. Neither of these sound, beyond a certain kink level, like much of an option I would consider. And, since both are usually done as an inpatient you will not be awake and aware of the kink effect.

Another option is called Urolift. In this procedure which is done in the doctors office, a "device" is inserted into your penis up to your prostate and a little sort of structure is "built" in your prostate to force it to not close in on your uretha thereby allowing all the usual functions to return to normal...including the dispensing of bodily fluids, both urine and semen.

While I am having second thought about having a construction crew crawl up my dick and building some sort of igloo in my prostate it would be nice to actually, once again, have more normal results to any sexual activity be they masturbation or intimate contact with another.

At this point though I am patiently waiting for a referral to a Urologist to discuss options that will provide me with the results I desire after having that admittedly somewhat embarassing conversation with a stranger.

I will keep you all updated on the more prurient part of my aging process.

 Morning to you all. Hope his will be a great day all aroound.

Today is June 2nd., the second day of Pride Month and while I join in the celebration of this month and its significance I also believe it is a celebration that should be celebrated by us all, individually and together as a community every day of the year throughout the year and into eternity. It is our month, officially designated and recognized as such by the Federal Government some years ago. That does not mean that we were not celerating our pride before that designation any more that it means that we will cease to celebrate all that that makes Pride so important at the stroke of midnight on June 30th. It is a month in which we may celebrate who we are more openly with the world at large. A period of loud and screaming presence as well as  many hours of quiet reflection of what our live are, how we got here and where we want to be in the future. And, in many ways most importantly, it is a time when we can publically be an example to all those, young and old, who have not taken that step into personal acceptance of the true nature of their being for whatever reason, without judgement or fear and perhaps be an example that will help them take that step into the open acceptance of themselves.

I was lucky to be born a Queer man in 1948 and have been openly Queer for over 75 years now. Sometimes more blatently that others but always proud of who I am, then and now. Yes, I struggle still with how my life as a Queer man must change as I age and as all aging folks, Queer or not, sometimes want to hang on to the past because it was easier and happier in so many ways.

And yes I use the word Queer. It is a word that I feel must be owned by our community as a component of that pride that we celebrate this month. One of many definitions of Queer is "denoting or relating to a sexual or gender identity that does not correspond to established ideas of sexuality and gender, especcially in heterosexual norms". And I fit that definition more that any other. So I choose to committ to the use of Queer as well as Gay in written and verbal statement of my identity as appropriate to that conversation. 

And I know that the word Queer has traditionally been used to denigrate me and my community. But, like the "N" word is the property of the Black community and is universally prohibited by other races due to its negative use by other than Black people. It is my opinion that Queer should belong to my community as a identifier of my person and my pride but not allowed to be used by non-Queer people to denigrate us for the same reasons that the "N" word can not be used by non Black people. And like Black people must correct the inapproprite use of that word we as Queer people must do the same.

I know that not everyone in my community will agree with me and that is as it should be simply because we are such a diverse community made of all races, all genders, all political and religious spectums, all everything that defines a community.

So please do not be offended if I use Queer here more and more often as even I make this transition to my identity.

Now, one more time, something that I intended to be a simple and short posting has become even more. I will continue to post in this slant as I continue to grow.

I hope you all have an incredible Pride Month, party, celebrate, reflect and love as only our community can and carry that celebration into everyday of your lives beyond these all too short 30 days. We are truly wonderfull and marvelously made beings like no other on earth.

 Today is John Grey's 61st birthday and those of you who know him and/or read his Blog be sure to stop by and wish him he best ever.

I was looking at some of the comments that have been left for him and far too many of them comment that "it's only a number". While that may, in some ice cold and non-emotional universe, be a fact it is not if you are looking at the inevitable process of aging at work in your life.

You are suddenly faced with all those memories of dreams you had that you were never able to fullfill. All those loves that never grew beyond the breaking point and dissapeared yet the haunting memories of those emotions remain deep within someplace. All the plans you made and never achieved. And, yes, all the wonderful thing and times that you would never change no matter their emotional impact on you life.

We are all creatures that accumulate a mass of mess that has made us who and what we are today. And, the inevitable recall that happens on our birthday, especially as we age, sometimes feels like someone just took a mallet and smacked us up side the head.

So, please hold your tongue if all you have to say to anyone aged who seems to be in a low emotional place as they age...if all you have to say is "it is only a number" just shut the fuck up.

If one more person says that to me I may not be responsible for my actions.

Oh, and my appologies to Mr. Grey for using his birthday as the trigger for this post. I love him as I love all of you and would never say or do anything to bring you harm or saddness.