Well I am still trying to figure out what to do and have developed an option that might work. I will just stay put here on our farm and hope for the best.

I am not looking for pity so please don't read this in that light. It is just how things are, the cards that have been dealt to me over the past couple of years. And, I am trying to find the best way to play my hand that harms no person or animal and offers me the highest level of comfort and peace of mind. If any of you are in similar circumstances I hope that you can find some comfort or help in what I write here.

I know that eventually I will have to deal with transportation issues. I may become unable to drive myself any longer (I am 74 years old, have several health issues, problems with balance, and now a nasty tremor that us old folks are prone to) or there may be mechanical issues with the car that have to be dealt with. That is one of my great fears. All my friends, my doctors, my church, my AA meetings are at least 50 miles away. It is 13 miles to the only grocery store here. And transportation is essential. But, I deal with those fears one day at a time and so far so good.

First issue as I see it is that I find all the ways that I can save money without putting myself or my pets at risk. Over time I shoud have the amount it will take to move when that time comes.

In the meantime I do the best I can to survive here. With our summers and winters being what they are that can present a challenge. But it is doable. Several years ago the HVAC went out and the lowest estimate to replace it was 15,000 dollars. Robert and I had the option of going in to debt to do so or the other option was window AC units and space heaters. We chose the window units and space heaters. 

Much to our surprise the window units (one in the living room and one in each bedroom) worked fine and in fact our summer electric bill dropped by almost 200 dollars a month. This year, being here alone, I only used the ones in the living room and my bedroom and with the extreme heat we had my electric bills ran near 400 dollars a month. But the dogs and I survived. It was not as cool as our old central AC but that had been costing us close to 600 dollars a month in the summers as it was.

As for the space heaters. They work fine (I got the ceramic ones) and I still have to figure out how to shut off parts of the house that are not used but we were able to stay comfortable (except for very cold fingers in the mornings) even in the two past extreme winters we have had (prolong periods of from 20 degrees to below zero). The cost for that comfort was about the same as for the AC in the summer heat.

The only times that either the window units or the space heaters were an issue is when the power goes off which happened several times both during the winter and the summer but that would be an issue even if the HVAC had never failed.

So, I can stay put and possibly manage to gather together a little savings for future moves. Those moves will happen only after both Duke and Sara (who are both officially elderly dogs) have crossed the bridge and only Timmy and I are left.

The circumstances with the house are that it is in Roberts name and the mortgage company will NOT make any changes to the deed until it is paid off which is still some 62,000 dollars down the road. In all likely hood I will die myself before that happens. When we bought the house it was the "good old days" where our marriage was not recognized and joint tenency financing was not an option in a VA loan. Believe it or not we had an appointment with an attorney to make all the changes needed to protect both of us set for 9 a.m. on March 15, 2021. And, as fate would have it, Robert died at 4:45 p.m. on March 14, 2021.

I now live here under Texas Family Code as the suriving spouse since we got legally married in 2016 and can actually continue to do so until I either move myself or they drag me out a drooling old man to a nursing home or the State changes the laws.

Please take my advice. If you are a couple, same sex or not, and share resources like a home or cars. Make sure you have all the legal paperwork stuff done. Wills, deeds, insurance, car titles, joint accounts, all that and more...make sure it is done, all the i's dotted and t's crossed and reviewed by an attorney, filed and registered as necessary. Keep the originals in a safe deposit box at your bank, keep copies (at least two) at home, give a copy to a friend or family member that you know will be there at time of need to protect your interest (the ultimate act of love) and always make sure you review and update them at least yearly.

If, God forbid, you are ever at that point where grief is a dark pit from which you feel you will never be able to excape you will be glad you did.

So, there you have it. My plans for the future such as they are. It is not the future that we dreamed of, it is not the retirement I had planned many years ago. But it is what I have and I am much better off that some. And, I promise you this will, at least for now, be that last of these missives that border on the pitty pot. Future postings will, I hope, be much happier and may even share some positive successes.

 I am facing one of the most difficult decisions of my life and it depresses me to even think about it. With my age and health and the rollercoaster our economy is in (my financial status) I have come to the decision that I can no longer live here and must move to a more urban area, closer to people if something should happen to me. With all the hoops that were jumped through when Robert died the results were that I have this home to live in but it ended up destroying my credit rating. That and the fact that a nearly 3000 sq. ft. house and almost 4 acres to care for is more than I can handle on my own anymore. So I am looking at moving as soon as I can manage it in to Abilene. 

I will need to find a rental that I can afford and that is habitable and not just some sort of cheap run down shack...yes there are actually places like that which have low rents but look and feel unsafe to live in. If I can not find something that works then it will be an apartment and that will mean having to find homes for my dogs.

I currently have the three, Duke, Sara and Timmy.

They all have issues, some of which I am responsible for, that make it difficult to find homes for. Duke, the big Anatolian/Lab mix is overweight at 130 pounds and I have raised him to believe he is still just a puppy. Sara, the Boxer/Pitt mix is a 70 pound bundle of love with typical Boxer issues having to do with skin tumors that need to be removed now and then. Timmy, the Terrior, is a spoiled hyper active terror that has only known life here in the country and only with Robert and I. So, he is not properly socialized though he (and the other two) likes nothing more than to love on you and be loved on by you.

They have been raised as indoor dogs and that is part of my fear with rehomeing them. That they will be just dumped out in someones back yard and not understand what has happened to them. And the worst part is that if I can not find them a home (difficult in good circumstances but with Duke being 13, Sara being 15 and Timmy being so hyper the difficulty factor increases) then I will face the only other option and that is to put them to sleep...a nightmare I can hardly think about without just wanting to toss in the towel on all of us.

Add to to that the fact that this is the home that Robert and I made together and the thought of leaving it, just walking away as if nothing had ever been, that my memories were just part of my imagination, and my heart breaks.

I have cut every corner I can so that I can save up the money that will be required if I do find a place. First and last, deposits, administrative fees, all the stuff required to just get a place much less move. Then I will face the task of what to keep and what to get rid of, how to get rid of things, etc.

I am sorry for the "downer" nature of this post but it is my life today and that is part of what this blog is about. Cross your fingers for me and, if it is something you do, pray.

 If you have a couple hours to kill may I suggest a film on Netflix? Title is LOU and it delivers strong female characters, one reveal that drags on a bit but is essential to the film. A sort of sad ending with a cliff hanger final frame. Alyson Jayneway plays the lead character Lou and I have to say it is one of her best roles since West Wing. Anyway, give it a look and enjoy.

Weather here  has finally begun to really be like Fall. We do have another week or two of warmer weather but the nights are in the 40-60 degree range and it does not really warm up to be uncomfortable until mid afternoon.

The man I hire to mow our big field will be coming toward the end of the week and that will be taken care of. The rain we have had has made the grass think it is a welcome guest that needs a weekly haircut. Pain in the ass really. If I am able to move into Abilene after the first of the year it will definately be an apartment. I am done with yard work (at which I do not excel).

 JUST A LITTLE HUMOR TO BEGIN OUR WEEK...HOPE IT IS ALL YOU EXPECT AND WANT.

 While I try to stay off political topics these days this is something I feel I have to share with any of you who read this blog. The war in Ukraine we are all aware of and the aparant defeat of Russia by the Ukraine troops...aparant to all except Putin. Now we have seen stories of the conscription and the massive exodus of Russian people who are just becoming aware of what the rest of the world has been watching for months. Today, on a Facebook group I am a member of, the following letter was shared. It is from a young Russian man, Gay and closeted because of Russian anti-LGBTQ laws. He has been in a sort of pen pal conversartion with the poster and wrote what may be his last letter to his friend. Read it and let it set in. I know it is a matter of perspective but it just seems that when you think things can not get worse they do.

This is the letter he sent...(I have removed any personal names)

"... I don't even know where to start... First of all, I would like to apologize for my long absence, but I had my reasons... The fact is that I, like all my colleagues, was handed a document for military service and forced to sign them. We were threatened that in case of refusal, a criminal case would be opened on evasion from military service during the mobilization period, in other words, "desertion". we had no choice and all 27 people of different ages signed these documents... ..., I was in complete shock, and I am in it now.... I didn't sleep for almost two days and tried in every way to find at least some opportunity to officially evade conscription... But unfortunately, so far I have not succeeded... All this time I was at home with my mom and stepfather. Stepfather was a little more lucky, he was given a reprieve due to the fact that he works at a factory producing some parts for trucks. Almost all this time, my mom and I were crying and taking turns comforting each other... I never could have imagined that one day I would face this, but my crazy president did everything to destroy the lives of many young guys....

I am obliged to report to the military enlistment office on Monday and undergo a medical examination. If I don't come, it will be equivalent to desertion. If I try to leave the city, it will also be equivalent to desertion... We were simply left with no choice, but for everyone it will be presented as a voluntary military service... I'm afraid that I can tell the truth to you alone, and I can't even imagine what would happen if someone found out that I'm writing this letter to you....

..., I have only two days of a quiet life left... I decided to write you this letter so that you would know the truth... it's important to me. I am grateful to you for every second of our acquaintance. It was probably the best period of my life... And it looks like the worst is starting now... All the Internet, television and the media do is talk about conscription.... I always thought that people became smarter after so many wars, but I realized that I was very wrong... I do not know what to do now... Maybe you can tell me what I should do better, but I'm afraid that my hands are failing... Even now I am writing you a letter with trembling hands and tears in my eyes, so forgive me if I make mistakes somewhere... There's a void in my head right now. I want to fall asleep and when I wake up, understand that it was just a terrible dream, but I have been suffering from insomnia for two days... I hope that the war will not affect you. I wouldn't wish that on anyone... Forgive me, but now I'm finishing this letter..."

And the letter ends.

I know that here in the United States we had the draft which essentially did the same to young men here but when we made use of the draft it was in defense of an ideal of freedom and democracy. Not because we had invaded a soverign state and put on display to the world the fact that a military we touted as among the best and most fierce in the world was, in fact, no match for Ukraine.

All I can ask is that we all pray that this will be over soon and that, one more time, right will prevail. Pray to your god if you have one, pray out positive vibes to the universe if you do not. Sorry for even posting this but I felt/feel so compelled to do so.

 Today I got the latest Covid Booster in my left sholder, the Flu shot for older people in my right sholder and came home and gave myself my weekly Trulicity shot in my stomach. So I am all shot up full of drugs and feel no worse for the experience. So far no soreness or ill feelings. Kathy at the pharmacy did giggle when I said she was my favorite drug dealer.

I watched the latest episode of Resident Alien when I got home with a "lunch" of White Cheddar Popcorn. It does iritate me that as the show (and all episodic television) draws closer to its season finale it gets better and better.

 Yesterday turned out to be a good day. My doctors appointment (Podiatrist) went well. As a Diabetic I keep close tabs on my feet and was please to be informed that I will live to walk again for a while. Some increase in the Neuropathy in both legs and feet but noting of real concern at this point.

Then the ride home I managed to not buy complete collections of a stores used books and ended up with only three volumns to add to my library.

One a small pocket sized New Testament in Japanese that was distributed to Japanese American held in internment camps (the American version of a prison camp) during the Second World War. Cost me a whopping 50 cents so I could not pass on it even though I don't read Japanese.

Then a hard back published in 1995 of Nicholas A. Basbanes' A Gentle Madness, Bibliophiles, Bibliomanes, and the Eternal Passion for Books. This replaces the paperback that I have had for a while and while it did set me back a massive 15 dollars it will be a welcome addition to my addiction.

Finally, also published in 1995, a hardcover copy of Ingathering Zenna Henderson The Complete People Stories. I am a big fan of Zenna Henderson and will buy one of her books anytime I find one available. They are becomming more difficult to find. I don't know if they are just being tossed out by people or are making their way into collections. I hope the latter. This one hit be for 25 bucks but it was/is worth that and more to me.

Then as a late lunch early dinner I had a sandwitch of ham, extra sharp cheddar, tomato, onion and homemade mayonase on toasted Chibata bread (currently my favorite bread).

All in all a great day for this little old man up the lane.

 So today is a doctors appointment in Brownwood 50-60 miles to the southeast. It is a nice drive though. Small towns with antique shops and galleries every 8 miles or so. I don't budget the time to stop on the way but allow myself that luxury on the return trip. Several of the shops have pretty decent used book collections to go through and I always end up with several volumes that for some reason I just can't live without.

Dogs and birds are fine, lawn is mowed but still need edging (maybe tomorrow) house is begging me to vacuum and dust (again maybe tomorrow).

Notice how everything is "maybe" tomorrow. It is a level of lazy that I have become comfortable with until the ghost of Robert whispers "just man up and do it" and I do as I am told.

Weather is hot again, high 90's for the week and into next. Fall may officially be here but it is taking it's time in making itself known.

 Well, after weeks of heat and drought followed by between 8 and 10 inches of rain my grass is thriving as are the weeds. So, this morning was spent mowing. The battery on the riding mower was dead so I had to dig out Robert's charger and was surprised that it worked and I did not blow up the mower. But, it is done until the next time.

Tomorrow I will let the chickens and ducks out into the larger run which is all overgrown with weeds and full of small grasshoppers so they will probably run their little legs of having a feast. Getting them back in the coop in the evening may be a challenge since they have not had the large run for exercise in over a year and may just decide they like it.

I am trying, yet one more time, to quit smoking. I have done the patches, the gum and a drug called Chantix all with no real success. But this time I am trying Vaping. It seems to be working even though it continues my addiction to Nicotine it does give my body the chance to expel all the carbon dioxide (carbon monoxide?) I have accumulated over 60 years of being a smoker. Will be nice to have the 2 or 3 hundred dollars I spend on cigarettes a month and I might even be able to afford to move into town early next year if it works.

My target is one of the two old and restored hotels that have been converted to apartments in downtown Abilene. Downtown living appeals to me and all the shortcomings of apartment living will be made less by not having a yard to take care of.

 So yesterday a.m. I mowed our yard, about an acre. I still have to come up with the money to hire Sherman to mow our field, about 3 acres, with his tractor. And, this morning I will use the electric push mower to mow the "island" turn-around drive way thingy as well as along the fence line at the front of the house. Then I will be done with mowing for a few weeks or more if our drought kicks back in as it appears it is going to do.

After mowing yesterday I sort of just took it easy and discovered that season two of Merli Sapere Aude was now available on Netflix. It is a Catalan series dubbed in English (don't be to distracted by the lack of lip sync in the dubbing), Catalan/Spanish with some subtitles in English for songs that could just not be dubbed.

I stumbled across the first season last year and immediately fell in love with the characters and their story. It is a fun and sometimes heart wrenching series about a group of students going to a "public" university in Barcelona. I really do recommend it. And, in fact I ended up binge watching the entire second season yesterday afternoon and into the evening.

The sad part is that it was also the series finale. So adeu en Pol i amics (Catalan for goodbye to Pol and friends). I wish we had more time together.

 I mowed! The yard is done for a bit, only took a couple of hours and I was out there at the crack of dawn to avoid any afternoon heat. I still have a bit to do and will tackle that in the a.m. tomorrow. Wonder why they say "crack of dawn" instead of the boom of dawn or slither of dawn? In all the dawns of my life I have never heard it make a cracking sound.

Now, as for those idiots that seem to feel it is perfectly acceptable to pull off the highway onto my county road and change their nasty brats diaper and leave the diaper there on my property. Be glad I do not know who you are or you would wake up one morning to a hot steaming pile as a gift from me left right at your front door.

If I could afford it I would buy a really high quality high definition camera and capture them in the act and turn the video over to the county sheriff. Of course a lot of good that would do. They seldom follow up on anything this far out anyway. It means they would have to actually do something other than staff a speed trap.

 Well here I am with another movie recommendation. I stayed up well past my normal bedtime last night to watch it in that "bonus" window that my internet provider (HughesNet) offers so I would not begin to exhaust my regular bandwidth so early in the month.

The movie, available on Prime, is titled WEEKEND. Not The Weekend or anything just simply the word weekend. It is about two people who meet and spend the weekend together. Yes, as simple as that. However the script/dialogue, along with two very good looking people, make the entire thing worthwhile to watch. In some ways it leads to a sort of bitter-sweet ending but leaves you with the ability to determine the future of these two people on you own and according to what may or may not be your romantic nature.

If you watch it I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did. In fact, I am thinking about watching it again today.

 Looking back over my postings the past few months I have realized that in many ways this blog is more of a journal, a sort of diary. Compared to all the other blogs I read that make me wish I was in Wales or having to deal with the politics of living, posting funny memes or just casually passing the day it is more me often bitching and moaning and even at times laughing and cheering life on.

If nothing else it is a view into the life of a 74 years old man, widowed after many years with the love of his life, with only one relative in close contact left and living alone 13 miles from the nearest town with 3 dogs, a cat and some 20 chickens, ducks and bantams.

I am really not complaining. I was raised by a mother on her own who had two children (myself and my sister). My sister was ill all her life and died at the age of 32 by suffocation while hospitalized for a medication adjustment. So, from the beginning, I was pretty much a loaner. Books, movies and music were my companions and continue to be. We moved around a lot to try to find medical help for my sister so I seldom made any lasting friends. That is just the hand that I was dealt. I won't go into some of my adventures beginning in my early teens and into early adulthood. But, while I might do some things differently I would not have changed the majority of my experiences.

I have loved and been loved by any number of amazing people all leading to that moment I met the man that I know to be the love of my life. The worst day of my life was when he suddenly died on March 14, 2021 and I will grieve that loss for the rest of my time on this speck of dust in the universe we call Earth.

The most difficult things I have to deal with these days have to do with trying to make it through each day knowing that, for me at least, little will change. I have health issues that come with aging and many that are the price we all have to pay for living the good life in our youth. I have heart disease, am Diabetic with advancing Diabetic Neuropathy, have an increasing issue with tremor which my Neurologist calls Essential Tremor (don't know what is so essential about it but they at least no longer call it Senile Tremor) and says it is probably not related to Parkinson's even though there is a history of that on my fathers side (my Father, an Uncle and two male Cousins all died from Parkinson's either directly or indirectly).

So, in a nutshell, I have the brain of a 20 year old with the body of someone over 100. Which is why, when asked how I am, I either reply "not bad for a person my age and in my condition" or just flat out lie and say "I'm fine".

So today I am fine. It is 5:30 a.m. and I have been up since 2 a.m. which is becoming more and more my pattern. I have all sorts of plans and projects for today, most of which will go undone. But, at least I plan to do them with good intent. It is my fondest wish that you all have a great day living the best life you can. Until the next time I remain "the old man up the lane".

 This morning I am in a mood. The universe does not seem to have it in mind that I am actually at it's center and it is failing in satisfying my wants and needs. I on occasion buy lottery tickets and while statistically I should now and then at least win a couple of bucks I usually do not even have one matching number. I suspect that it is God's way of letting me know that that is not the way to my future. But, how else will I ever have the money to buy and remodel the house I am going to die in?

There is some hope of a little more money in my future And in the life of every other person who gets a Social Security check every month. One is the "You Earned It You Keep It" act that would make Social Security retirement payments tax free. It has a long and hard battle ahead and will probably never pass but it would ad a couple of hundred bucks a month to my income. The other is, and I know this is an almost sick hope, the Cost of Living Adjustment or COLA that comes every year. Usually only a few dollars monthly and never offsets the cost increase in Medicare Part B premiums. But if the economy continues to be caught up in its current Inflationary spiral it might trigger a COLA of about 200 dollars a month. Of course most of that would be consumed by the increases in prices for everything from bread to housing.

But, I have to be honest and say I am able to make ends meet each month. Sometimes it involves the old "robbing Peter to pay Paul" but it has become my way of life and I am most often comfortable with it.

We have finally had a break in all the super hot weather and over the past week even had almost 8 inches of rain. Things have become green again and the grass is growing. So, sometime this week, I will have to mow or risk all the problems that come with an overgrown yard. The big field I hire someone to mow with their tractor a few times a year so I have to start budgeting for that. Chickens, Ducks, Bantams and Dogs are all healthy, happy and fat. They too are manifesting my own plumpness that has come with age.

Sorry for just "letting it all hang out" today but, like I said, I am in a mood. Any you, lucky reader, get to be the recipient of that. Have a great day, enjoy your life, it usually is a lot better than we think.

 A friend suggested that I might be interested in a film Titled SHORTBUS which he described as being pornographic but not pornography. I finally got around to buying it on VUDU and watched it yesterday evening. And, he was right. If you can imagine a film in which frontal nudity, erect penis' and ejaculations somehow become an integral part of the story then yes, it is very pornographic and yet does not fall into the trap of becoming pornography. More interesting to me is that it triggered an interest in other works by John Cameron Mitchell who made the film.

Mitchell made another film years ago based on a stage play he wrote titled HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH. I had heard of this film over the years but had never watched it. So, after a search on VUDU, bought it and watched it early this morning before going to church. It is, in my opinion, an amazing film, as much a musical as a movie. And, in so many ways, far superior of the two films discussed here.

Both films are available on VUDU to rent or purchase and I do recommend both of them if you are interested. Neither film will ever be up for Oscar consideration and both have a strong feel of being low budget films that only earned their initial investment back after developing a cult following.