Just wanted to share the following with you today. Read, think, and discover. I found it interesting given that the writer is the pastor of a large church located in Austin, Texas.

"

Jim Rigby

2h  · 

TEACHERS OF AWAKENING

For me, consciousness is the most fascinating subject in the world. Somehow, in a universe of burning gas and exploding rock, we are lights shining out of that darkness giving witnesses to it it all.

Religion sometimes expresses the mystery of consciousness with fantastical stories. In my opinion, the point of such teaching stories should never be belief in supernatural hypotheticals. Their purpose should be to deepen and broaden our awareness until we can sense the miracle in the ordinary.

I believe it is important to notice that, when Jesus wanted to begin teaching, he took students away from their ordinary frames of reference (businesses, families, religions, etc.). He, then, took them out to a shoreline and asked them to learn from the birds and flowers. Throughout his ministry Jesus taught with parables, not theological doctrine. It seems to me that he, like Buddha, was focused on awareness, not religious tradition.

Some preachers begin and end their teaching with scripture. They believe their job is to repeat word for word what they were taught, whether they understand it or not. At funerals, they pretend to be certain about matters no human being can possibly know. In sermons, they shed more light on the past than the present. Often, without realizing it, they teach their followers to see through borrowed eyes and listen through ears not their own. They earnestly believe their job is to pass the torch that was given them. They just hope no one notices its flame has long been extinguished.

Teachers of awakening begin by leading us to our own human hearts in the here and now. At some point, they may use tools like scripture to deepen and broaden our consciousness until we fall in love with the whole process of life. To this end, they teach the miracle stories of scripture, not as violations of nature, but as poetic expressions of what life feels like when our are hearts are in tune with the whole.

Rather than making hypothetical claims about heavens and hells, teachers of awakening help us find infinity in the here. Rather than claiming to know objective facts about an ancient creation or future apocalypse, teachers of awakening help us find eternity in the now. Rather than a permanent relationship of teacher and pupil, teachers of awareness never forget that we are ALL teacher just needing to be brought back to our own wisdom.

Perhaps, most importantly, teachers of awakening never forget what they do NOT know."

 Well, I got nothing this morning. So, except for doing as little as I can possibly get away with, I will just wish you all a happy Hump day. Hope you are all happy, healthy and that you are living your best life ever. 

It is supposed to be a nice day this afternoon weather-wise so I may take a walk, read a bit of a book and play with Timmy...who by the way, may have a groomers appointment next week...we are still in hope that will happen. Finally got a returned call from The Dogfather (get it, the God Father) who, after I explained Timmy's behavior, did not hang up the phone but asked me to fill in his online request for an appointment. We live with eternal hope.

 OUT AT THE HOME

I decided this entry deserved a title thus the above in all caps and bold font.

To begin with I do not ever recall, in my life, not being out. I have committed the "sin of ommission" now and then over the years just to avoid any need to defend myself and who I am when I did not feel it was necessary given the person or people involved. For many years Robert and I called ourselves "my friend", "my roommate", "partner" just to avoid confrontations and/or difficulties in getting paperwork taken care of or to not place ourselves or anyone else in a position that a confrontation might happen. I know that is all not being out behavior but at the same time we thought nothing of walking down the street holding hands or sitting in a restaurant making "goo goo" eyes at one another.

After all our years together, when we were finally allowed to get married, we ceased all that and became husbands both in private and every where we went. And, as you have heard me say (or read me write) he was my husband before it was legal, he was my husband then and he will be my husband for the rest of eternity.

Now, here at the home.  I still, and will always have on, my wedding ring. And, bless their little pointed heads, all the residents that I meet just assume that I am widowed from a traditional male to female marriage. While I don't actively encourage that thought neither do I actively go out of my way to correct it. I have and continue to, in conversations, say "we had this" or "we lived such and such a place" which does not constitute openess about Robert's and my relationship but denies it only in the "sin of omission" manner.

Until yesterday. I decided to go out for a nice walk when the temps rose above 50 degrees for the first time in days. As I was leaving the building a resident named Jon (we have three other Jon's living here besides myself) was sitting in one of the rocking porch swing chairs getting some sun. Jon is one of the first people I met before moving in here and he is one of the people I play rummikub with a couple of time a week. So, we began to chat.

Since it was the day after Christmas that was the focus of our conversation and he asked about my family. I told him about having next to no family left alive and how this was only the second holiday season where I had been alone and that it was still something I was adjusting to. This provoked a question by Jon about how long my "wife" and I were together. To which I replied without hesitation that "my Husband Robert and I were together for most of our lives but only allowed to get married six years before he died." 

Jon sat there for just a few seconds then said "but, you were married?" To which I replied that yes, as soon as it was legally allowed we tied the knot. The conversation continued for a bit longer and Jon said that I was the first man he had ever known that had been in a long term relationship and acknowledge that it must be really hard to loose someone after so many years together (without any reference to gender). It was sort of funny though that every few sentences he would say "but you were married" like he was putting that in some sort of order in his brain.

There was really no discomfort on either of our parts in this conversation and it was as much a ice breaking moment for me as it must have been for him. I finally excused myself and continued on my walk and when I got back Jon had gone inside.

Now flash forward to dinner time. I went to our cafeteria and it was packed except for a couple of unoccupied tables. I took a seat at one of them, placed my order with the waitress and sat waiting for my meal. In walks Jon with the two ladies I play rummikub with and asked if they could join me. We sat together, had a nice dinner together with nice conversation and never once did anyone say anything related to Jon's and my conversation earlier in the day. Just four elderly friends having dinner together.

I have no idea if Jon said or will say anything to anyone about our conversation. I have no idea if there may be any other Gay widows or widowers living here and it really does not matter one way or the other. I am not at all interested in forming a sort of geriatric Gay Grey Panthers group. I do know that, at least for me, it broke the ice that older Gay people seem to have wrapped themselves in when they reach the point of having to find and live in "the home" when there are so few, if any, alternatives to pick from that are affordable and supportive. Contrary to popular belief most Gay people do not reach the apex of their live flush with cash. So you often have to take whatever living arrangements are available.

After my conversation with Jon I will continue to say things like "we did or we lived" statements. But if it is ever a part of the conversation I will not hesitate to say "my Husband and I" and I will willingly take on the task of doing whatever explaining is necessary short of any apologetic defense of our relationship. Robert's and my marriage is as valid as that of any other person living here and lasted longer than many.

So, I guess that is the first step of being out at the home.

I am sitting here now writing this and just looked over at Robert's picture on the wall and can just hear him saying "be careful Jon, don't rock the boat, you have a good thing here, just don't blow it" but I also know that if he were still alive he would walk up to me in the cafeteria this morning, give me wonderful kiss and say "what's for breakfast."

 MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL. AND WISHES FOR THE BEST NEW YEAR EVER.

I realized something last night. There are only a few days of holiday themed romantic comedies left. What is one to do when all they are broadcasting is just plain ordinary rom coms?

Last night I crawled out of my security shell and played Rummy Cube with three other residents here. I have never been a game person and I always tend to not be the winner but it was, and is, something I need to do. I know that, given the chance, I will isolate and only go out of my apartment to walk Timmy or get something to eat. Not something I want to do. So I have made a committment to myself to get involved with some of the activities here at "the home". I think that is what I am going to start calling it. It is not in any way a nursing home or an "old folks home" but rather an apartment building that caters to older people. But I sort of like the thought of it as "the home". So it shall be called that hence forth.

Another thing I have noticed is that I, in some small ways, have begun to emulate folks here. That is not in itself a bad thing. But, I am in my mid 70s and most of the other residents here are in their 80s and 90s. Yes my body has developed many aches and pains and rusty joints. But I am no any where near the shuffel gate that many of my fellow residents are. Neither am I needing to use a walker or start shopping for a wheel chair. So, my goal is to be and remain as active as I can safely be and not to give in to that sort of just sit around and dwell on the past state of mind.

All that being said I also think it is time that I wrote that book I have thought of writing for so many years. It will be a fictionalized sort of biography/journal format I think. Fictionalized because I don't remember the names of many of the other characters that are part of the story and journal format because that seems the be the way my memory works and my mind writes. Don't know what will come of this effort or how long it might take but I have thought about doing it for a long time now. In many ways it will be the only me that is left behind someday. I have no children or family to remember me and tell my story to generations that follow so this will sort of be my legacy. And, if it is ever read sometime in the future it will present a great mystery as to what was real and what was fiction.

 Impulse buying may someday be my downfall. I am a sort of computer addict. One can never have too many of them. I use them as tools, as entertainment, as a device by which I can communicate (such as this blog) and as a replacement these days for all sorts of printed material and research sources.

So, yesterday, when I got one of those Walmart emails that said they saw that sommething caught my eye...well I had to open it to see what it was that I had been interested in and it was a laptop computer. I do remember looking at it and deciding I could really not afford it and really really did not need yet one more computer. But, the email said it was on sale as a Best Buy so I gave it another look see.

And, yes, I did end up buying it. How could I not. A Lenovo 14 inch Laptop with Windows 11 (which I like except it is a Microsoft product) and I got it for less than 150 dollars and it was delivered to me here at home in less than two hours. So now including all desktops, laptops, varioius size tablets, Kindles, and so-called smart devices (cell phones) I have six computing devices.

Of course I then realized that I did not have an extra mouse and that I needed additional USB wall plug adapters so went online to order some of those and while there I ordered a really cute Teal colored single slice toaster and a water bottle made of clear plastic shaped like a milk carton. So, the new laptop did provoke the spending of even more money which I do not regret but do realize that I was getting close to being out of control.

I the past I had my Robert to stand at the door and say Jon, do you really need that right now? And, that would at least slow me down. And, then a few days later what ever I had been considering would be delivered by UPS or Fedex having been baught by Robert who wanted me to always have everything I desired. But now I only have that memory the makes me smile and sad at the same time.

I will now just tighten the belt and enjoy my new toy. A Christmas gift to myself from Robert.

 You all know that I try to avoid political issues here but just a brief posting of one of the most frightening things I think I have ever read on a legitimate news site...."includes Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.), who is expected to wield significant power in the House of Representatives once the GOP takes over the chamber next year. "

 Got my new shoes. They cost 86 bucks. That did not make me happy. That and finding out the shoe makers only make half sized up to size 11.5. Size 12 and above are whole sizes only. Lucky for me Sketchers run a little large so I could still fit in a pair of 12s without scrunching my toes up.

I got a pair of those new ones that you just step in and the heal pops back up. No fighting to get them on my big old clod hoppers.

Now, bring on the cold. I am in for the duration except for a few quick outside potty breaks for Timmy. And, he is a pretty smart little guy. He goes out, feels the cold and gets right to business and heads back to the door.

 Today I am going to get a new pair of shoes. Seems that for some of us aging means the flattening of our feet. And, as our feet flatten they tend to spread forward. Thus, longer and requiring a new pair of shoes now and then. This time, since this has been going on for a few years, I am thinking I will probably need a size 13. Too bad I did not have these when I was younger, I could have water skied bare foot...what fun.

So, tomorrow afternoon, at 4:48 p.m. EST, the Winter Solstice will be upon us. All I can say is thank god the time will start to flow the other direction at last. Long nights are just not my thing.

And, this week, the entire country is in for a deep freeze. For us they are predicting a dip below freezing Thursday evening and staying below freezing until at least Sunday afternoon. Lord, please don't let our stupid Texas electric grid go haywire like it has for the past two winters.

For those of you even just a few miles to our North. Please stay as warm as you can. I read yesterday that way up North they are expecting it to get so cold that exposed skin can suffer frost bite within 5 minutes. OUCH!!!

 So, I just watched Bros on Prime for the third time. So, those and the time I saw it in the theatre make four. Now, I have been honest about how I have become a real fan of romantic comedies. Of course I had to go ahead and just buy it so I can watch it anytime and anywhere I want and as many times as I choose.

 Here we are, one week from Christmas Day. So, to all my very special friends here on my blog I send you he best wishes for a Happy Holiday, a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year.

Since the pandemic has transitioned to a tripledemic I am hoping that this still stands...

 Well, it was officially a 5.6 magnitude quake and the fourth strongest quake in Texas history (since they have been tracking them). Of course that does not include back when the Permian Basin was the ocean floor and when most of what is now Texas was all under water.

John, Going Gently posted this morning with a clip of a Meatloaf song and one more time I have been caught up in what a brilliant artist Meatloaf was. Therefore I have decided to be in a Meatloaf state of mind today and a playlist of his work is in the making.

Cold today and for the rest of eternity evidently. I am officially done with Winter and it is not even the first day of it yet.

 EARTHQUAKE!!!!! Yes, I am not kidding. We had and earthquake. Located about 100 miles west of us but felt from Lubbock down to Midland/Odessa, into New Mexico and all he way past Abilene to the East. What I can find online is that it was 5.3 and only one of 24 in this area in the past month.

I was sitting and reading and it was like someone picked up the building and dropped it back down again. No big noise, no ongoing shaking, just a big plop of the building. The lights flickered and Timmy gave a big bark, jumped off the bed and ran under my desk.

All is back to "normal" now and it was really sort of exciting. Nothing like what I have been through in So. Calif. but enough to get the juices flowing. There is a group of residents playing rummy in the library next to me and they say they did not feel a thing but they get sort of roddy and probably just thought someone had a good hand of cards.

 Well, it is supposed to be pleasantly cool today but tonight it will hit freezing for the first time this year. And, by the weekend they are predicting the teens with at least a week of really cold weather. They are even saying we may have a little snow on Christmas Eve. How I would prefer Christmas in Australia.

This is my memory wall. I know it looks like some sort of shrine and, in many ways it probably is, but I call it my memory wall because of a fear that is growing inside me. I have read over and over about how people "heal" the loss of a loved one over time resulting in often forgeting even what they look like. That is something I can never allow to happen. Robert was the center of my universe and always will be. So, I set this up in my new place.

It has a picture of Robert, the cross we put over our door when we bought the farm, a saying I found after he died ("always and forever kind of love"), a little chotskie he treasured that I named Pancho Plumpo, his business card holder and his ear muffs (which like his sweaters and some other items I will use to keep warm this winter). And, of course Timmy's old harness (Timmy now has a nice new bright orange step in harness).

As long as I don't put votive candels there or leave little plates of food out then it really is not a shrine.

OMG! I just took my first sip of coffee this morning and I can actually feel my eyes coming into focus and my heart starting to beat. Maybe coffee was the fuel of the Frankenstein monster. Look out world...it's alive!!!

 Well I really like my new doctor. She is young and within 5 minutes it was like we were old friends getting together after a long absence. We did agree that I am just old and that for a man my age and in my condition I am not doing all that bad. Now just to deal with the badly sprained ankle as a result of my fall back on the 3rd of December. Other than that and getting all the ducks in a row so the insurance will cover an MRI for my neck and right sholder all is good.

I got home and they said that Timmy had not barked or cried the whole time I was gone. When I went in he was so overjoyed to see me that he almost could not control himself. There is nothing like the love of a dog for their human.

I took him out and he did a double poop and peed a gallon. Bless his heart. He is beyond good.

I am all ready for this evening. I have a pint of Baskin Robbins Reeses Peanut Cup Chocolate ice cream in the freezer and some white cchocolate macadamia nut cookies...I know I am not supposed to eat that stuff...but I am going to anyway.

The dog grooming tools came today so in the next day or so I will at try to groom Timmy. God only knows how that  is going to turn out but I have a cute orange and white Texas Longhorn sweater for him if I butcher him to badly.

 I have a doctors appointment this morning early, so since I am taking the residents shuttle and have to be ready to board it between 8 and 8:15 I am fixing my own breakfast in my new home for the first time. I have an egg poacher and while I wait on my eggs to cook thought I might just chat something out here. So here goes.

I am already tired of the beginnings of Winter weather that we have been having. Makes me ache all over. But we all have to endure. Cold drizzle this a.m. but maybe some sun this afternoon. That will be nice.

I am still spending my evenings watching romantic holiday movies on Hallmark. Guess it will not be long before I begin to buy romance novels with hunky near naked men on the cover. Oh my god, what am I becomming? 

Robert would have just told me to "man up" and we would sit and watch a football game on television. I honestly do not really like football but I really, really enjoyed watching Robert watching football. A Texas Longhorn fan all his life he began to migrate to the Red Raiders once we moved to Abilene. Now there was an entertaining few hours. Watching Robert watching a football game between the Longhorns and the Red Raiders. He would almost be in tears by the time the game ended.

Well, my egg poacher chimed so I guess my breakfast is ready. I may be back later with any update my new doctor gives me. Until then, great day to all.

 I have been trying to think about something to write for a couple of days now. Should I expound on the insanity of American politics? No, there are others that do a much better job at that and I would only end up frustrated and angry. Should I go on about art and culture? Seems that when I do that I come off as sounding pompus and opinionated. This blog has drifted toward being more of a journal for me with occasional mental journeys down ideas that are of interest to me.

So, that shall continue. So, what do I write?

I am all moved in and unpacked. Can find nothing of course. I take Timmy out for walks and to do-his-do 4 or 5 times a day...or on demand as the case may be. I am re-reading the entire Anne Rice Mayfair Witches books before the new AMC show starts next month. I had forgot what an exceptional writer she was. A lot of people do not like the way she will take 5 pages to say what could have been said in 2 sentances. But I enjoy it and, when reading, that is all that matters.

I do like my new little corner of the world. Someone pointed out that the same place in mid-town Manhatten would cost somewhere around 4-5 thousand dollars a month and would come with at least 5 wanna-be actor roommates. And, I have it all to myself. It is like living in a residency hotel. Everything is provided in one price. And when I say everything I mean everything. I did have to draw the line at letting the maid service do my laundry. That is a bit overboard even for me.

All the other residents here are really nice and friendly except for one. We actually have an Almira Gultch (or at least her reincarnation) living here. When I am taking Timmy out if we should pass her in the hall she backs up against the wall and tells me to keep that dog away, he is viscious. Now, mind you, Timmy had never seen her before, never barked or growled at her, actually hides behind me as we walk past. Poor thing is probably upset because she missed her ride on the last tornado the hit Abilene a few years back.

Now, keep in mind that this is an Independent Living place. Not an Assisted living one, we have no nurses or health care people here and it is not like a nursing home. We live the same as we would live in a Hotel with a cafe to eat in, room service if we wish. They do have planned outtings to the theatre, movies and concerts and galleries which are nice and included in the price. And, I am the second youngest person in residence at the child like age of 74. At least 80 percent of the other residents are elderly women and sit together when eating and gossip about the male residents...especially those of us who have no married significant other to serve as a shield. So, being new and "young" I am often the topic of conversation. How long I will have to endure that I do not know but the attention is nice I have to admit.

They got my cable TV installed so with that and the LG Channels I have over a thousand channels to watch plus the streaming services I subscribe to. And, guess what, there is nothing on I want to watch.

We have two coffee bars in the building where I can indulge my coffee addiction with a selection of exotic K-Cup flavors as well as plain old strong, black, make hair grow on your chest coffee. And the coffee bars just opened up a few minutes ago (5 a.m. every day) and I need a fix.

So, be of good cheer. Have a wonderful Sunday. Stay warm if it is cold and stay cool if it is warm.

 OK, so I called to put my bid on my yacht. When I told them I was bidding my entire lottery winnings of 7 dollars I think I heard something like a combined choak and giggle. This it he yacht I have had my eye on...

Can't understand why they seemed to think my bid was on the low side. It is just a little boat with 39 apartments, crew quarters, large kitchen and dining room for a large group of people. Just a little bit of a boat.

 All unpacked and don't have any idea where anything is. I do know where my coffee cup is and that is one of the most important things to keep track of. Timmy is getting settled in. He still barks when I leave the apartment which I am praying will lesson with time. He is settled in enough to just kick back and rest.

And, yes he needs to be groomed. It is just finding a groomer that will put up with his shenanagans, growling and fighting the groomer's every move. All my fault for not socializing him more. But, when he came to us years ago he only had the exposure of me, Robert and the other dogs. So his comfort level around other people is going to be a slow grow.

But, this morning, I went to get coffee and for the first time he did not cry and bark while I was gone. So, there is hope.

My adjustments are, in there own way, as serious as are his. I am more socialized but not really an extrovert. So, I have to make an effort to be social with my residential neighbors. They are, for the most part, all really friendly and helpful. And, the food here is actually pretty good. 

It looks more and more like I am going to have to give up driving. It is more and more difficult for me to turn my head to see behind when I am changing lanes and the "drop foot" is only getting worse and, of course, it is my right foot which needs to be able to know when it is on the gas and/or brake. One nice thing about this place is that it is an easy block or two walk from just about anything you could want. Except that there is no movie theatre nearby. But I have more than enough streaming available.

Now for the big news. I won 7 dollars in the lottery last night. So I can finally buy that yacht I have had my eye on.

The weather for the next couple of months looks promising. Nice but cool days, lots of sun. Some overnights that will freeze but the days will be nice. Of course, this is Texas, so that is all subject to change in a heart beat.

Hope you all have a great week. Rest, take care of yourself and your loved ones, be happy and at peace.

 I  said I would be back and I am. All moved into the new City and new Apartment. A major change I admit but so far I like it here. And, as if to prove beyond any doubt that I may have still had, as we were moving things into the new place I stepped off a curb on my weak ankle and promptly fell to the ground and needed help getting back up. Nothing broken except the skin on my right knee and what little pride I had left. But they do say "pride commeth before a fall" and I certainly proved that.

The first day here I went to the little cafe we have here and had lunch. It is all open seating, nothing assigned, and I sat an an empty table. A lady sat in one of the other chairs. It was just the two of us and we ate and chatted. Then she said "don't look but everyone is staring at us". Guess she (a long time resident) and I (the new guy on the block) sitting together and talking triggered all sorts of gossip. When I finished my meal and got up to leave I smiled at her and said I was sorry if I had damaged her reputation, with a little wink and a smile. She said not to worry, she needed the attention.

The only problem so far is that when I leave the apartment and leave Timmy behind he barks and it just echos down the hallways. I am hoping he will adjust and calm down with the knowledge I will always return. Or, there may be trouble with neighbors...so far nothng except how cute he is...but I know it is bothersome. So, at least for the time being I will take him with me if I can and leave him in the car. That, however, will not be an option when, and if, it ever starts getting warm again. He does enjoy our potty walks and just regular walks around the building and the block. He, alone with me now, gets all the attention and he just eats it up. So, I suppose I need to post a picture of Timmy the Terrible Terrior my little Rag-A-Muffin Man.

So, there you have it. I still have to unpack and put things away, but I am here. I slept on the mattress on the floor last night since my new bedframe is not due to be delivered until tomorrow. I am just glad that no one could see me trying to get up off the floor in the middle of the night to go pee.

Now, it is Sunday, and I am planning on going to church today, that means Timmy will be in the car for about an hour. I will leave early, more than anything else, I just want to hear our speaker today in person finally and not online down in Coleman.

And so he advenure has begun. I still need to get my own designated internet access. I am currently leaching off the building internet and that does not make me feel secure. And, I wish it was Spring so our walks could be longer and more far ranging. But, that will come soon enough.

Now, each of you, have a beautiful Sunday. A bit chilly here today with highs near 60. But this coming week temps are supposed to be in the mid to high 70's so that part of my dreams of our future is coming true.